Confront your spouse wisely, and allow your spouse to confront you. Ask God to give you the wisdom you need to confront your spouse lovingly about sin, and give your spouse permission to do the same with you. Before confronting your spouse, ask yourself if your observations are based on patterns of sinful behavior, or just a single incident. When discussing your concerns, focus on just a one issue at a time. Don’t overwhelm your spouse with information or punish him or her with condemnation; be gentle. Humbly offer observations instead of assumptions or conclusions. Make it your goal to promote God’s truth rather than just your own preferences. Remember that a confrontation isn’t designed to dump your anxieties, secure confessions from your spouse, indulge fears, or punish your spouse. Use confrontations only to encourage your spouse toward God and entrust your spouse to God. Keep in mind that repentance and change takes time. Stay committed to helping your spouse grow over time.

Let grace take you where God wants you to be. Invite God to meet you right where you are and give you the grace you need to take you – and your marriage – to where He wants it to be. Ask God to show you specific areas of sin and empower you to renounce them and grow beyond them. Be patient as grace does its work in you, knowing that transforming your character at deep levels often takes time. Encourage your spouse in God’s grace by reminding your spouse to trust in God’s power for change rather than his or her own efforts. Remind your spouse that God is at work in your lives even when you all don’t notice it. Celebrate the growth you can see, and take specific action steps toward change as God guides you. Remember that everything you do in this temporary world is training for the permanent world yet to come; keep the ultimate goal of heaven in mind. Point your spouse to God, who gives grace, rather than just the grace itself. Pursue the Giver instead of the gift.

Enjoy a healthy sex life. Talk openly about temptation. Figure out where your spouse might face temptation for physical and emotional intimacy outside your marriage, and let your spouse know what temptation you face. Once you know each other’s vulnerabilities, help each other battle them. Discuss each other’s expectations for how often you should have sex. Set a common goal for frequency that respects each other’s desires. Then work together to change your schedules and environment to help you both achieve that goal. Don’t use sex as a bargaining tool to get what you want, or withdraw to punish your spouse. Stay committed to each other’s pleasure. Be specific with each other about what enhances or inhibits your sexual pleasure. Educate each other so you can enjoy your time together more. Don’t let laziness rob you of an exciting sex life; keep coming up with creative ideas for romance together. Realize that no problem in your sex life is beyond God’s reach; believe that He can and will answer your prayers to help solve problems. Get rid of bitterness by regularly forgiving each other so you can remain close. Woo each other as you did before you were married, so you won’t take each other for granted and will be able to continue to enjoy each other.

Look forward to heaven together. Know that, if you’re both connected to Christ, you and your spouse can look forward to the ultimate wedding feast in heaven, celebrating your union with Him. Remember that the sin and struggles you experience in our fallen world are nothing compared to the joy you’ll experience when you get to heaven.

Adapted from When Sinners Say “I Do”: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage, copyright 2007 by Dave Harvey. Published by Shepherd Press, Wapwallopen, Pa., www.shepherdpress.com.  

Dave Harvey is senior pastor of Covenant Fellowship Church (Glen Mills, Pa.), part of a family of churches called Sovereign Grace Ministries. He received his Doctor of Ministry in Pastoral Care from Westminster Theological Seminary. Dave lives in West Chester, Pa., with his wife, Kimm, their four children, and (despite his many protests) one stray cat.