Ouch. It felt like a slap on the wrist to be reminded of a years-old mistake. But I was silenced when Ryan said, “I’ve never said anything about that until now, but that’s why this job is so frustrating.” I realized then that he had every right to let me have it about that fateful paint job. You can bet if the tables were turned, Ryan would have heard about those windows every time a house-maintenance topic (related or not) came up!

I guess my husband is more aware than I of the truth that humans are flawed and meant to love and forgive each other, despite those flaws. The perfectionist in me wants to fix the flaws first. But that’s not how Christ loves us (and praise God he doesn’t, or we’d all be hosed!)

Likewise, we are to love our spouses (and others) as Christ loves us. Ryan’s not perfect, but neither am I. I can choose to dwell on his flaws, or I can save us both a lot of trouble and love him for who he is. There are some things that might warrant a calm marital “discussion,” but I doubt the empty potato chip bag staring me in the face is one of them. In fact, I think I’ll go throw it away right now.

A Seasoned Perspective
Deborah Raney, married 33 years

One of the great things about being married for multiple decades is that you start to understand there are very few things worth making a big deal over. During Ken and my newlywed years, our two big issues were: shoes left lying around the house (mine), and the whole who-will-change-the-toilet-paper-roll controversy. (He never did!)

The truth is, the sight of a pair of my shoes anywhere but on my feet or in the closet still, thirty years past our newlywed days, makes my husband grind his teeth. And the thought of putting a pair of shoes away in the closet when I’m just going to be wearing them again in a matter of hours is equally annoying to me. But we’ve reached a sort of compromise over the years. If I do slip my shoes off around the house, I’m careful to tuck them under my desk or by the back door or somewhere where Ken won’t trip on them, or have to look at them for any length of time. He’s done a great job of turning a blind eye.

One tool we’ve used that I think has really helped keep our accounts short is to have an annual “state-of-the-marriage review.” Each year on our anniversary, we spend an hour or so of give-and-take answering these questions:

• What three things would I change about you if I could?

• What three things do I love most about you?

• What one thing am I most looking forward to in our next year together?

By mutual agreement, we do not pull out the heavy stuff during this discussion. If there’s a larger issue looming in our marriage, we deal with it separately at a different time. No sense in ruining a perfectly good anniversary date night. But this is a good time to deal with those niggling little things that have been bugging us about each other. I wish he’d turn his T-shirts right side out before putting them in the laundry. He wishes I wasn’t always three minutes late walking out the door for church. I wish he would listen better when I tell him what’s on our schedule for the week. He wishes I wouldn’t throw the newspaper away the minute I’m done reading it.

It’s important that we do this “negative” part of the state-of-the-marriage review first so we can end on the happy notes of what we love most about each other and the goals for our future together that we’re excited about.