Though it may appear minor, this indicates a possible major flaw in your relationship that can lead to extreme trouble. Often when one spouse continually tells the other what to do, or how to do it, he seldom realizes the destructive effect on the other. Every couple in crisis I have helped had one spouse attempting to control the other’s actions, thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, apparently never grasping the resentment swelling within the other until it finally exploded into rage, violence, adultery, separation, or a demand for divorce.

Ephesians 4:29 provides the solution. In the NIV it says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Key on the last half of that sentence to get the point. In the Contemporary English Version it reads, “Say the right thing at the right time and help others by what you say.” In The Message, “Say only what helps, each word a gift.”

This wife's reaction to her husband’s unwanted instructions make it clear that his unsolicited advice is not perceived by her as helpful, beneficial, filling her needs, or a gift.

We all occasionally interrupt our spouses, friends, and even complete strangers with our instructions, methodologies, or preferences. When we commit that all-too-human intrusion regularly with a specific person, whether we intend to or not, we communicate to that person that we feel he or she is not competent to think for himself. That molehill grows quickly into a mountain. In my work with families I hear bitter complaints about how demeaning this feels and how it crumples self-image. Teens resent parents who insist on making all their decisions for them; adults avoid elderly parents who try to direct their lives and criticize any deviance from their demands; singles drop out of relationships with those who control; and marrieds gradually despise their spouses who act as parents rather than partners.

While this may happen with either gender, I most often see it in the way a husband treats his wife. During our workshop for marriages in crisis, A New Beginning, wives drag me aside to tell me how their husbands constantly instruct them or discount their thoughts. It finally destroys their self-confidence. It’s not just that they are told how to do things, but what to think and even what to feel. If she says, “I like our new neighbors,” he responds, “How in the world can you think that! He’s an idiot; she’s a bigger idiot.” If she tells him she intends to vote for one candidate, he marshals his verbal skills to wear her down so that she agrees to vote for his choice. In nearly every disagreement, he wears her down until she capitulates outwardly, but rebels in her heart. I’ve heard many wives say, “He doesn’t have to agree with me. I’d be so happy if he just would say that he understands why I see it that way and accepts the fact that my way is just as good as his.” Usually, the woman telling me this sobs quietly, in unbelievable pain that her husband doesn’t even realize she feels.