How do you fix it? These seven steps work well in answer to your question. Remember that in this process you must model for him what you want from him. You must say beneficial and helpful things to him, just as you want him to learn what words help and benefit you. Keep that in mind as you follow these steps.

1. First, analyze how you feel when your husband tells you what or how to do things, when he wears you down with arguments, or when he tries to tell you what to feel. When alone, write them until you’ve exhausted your emotions and then let the writing sit a couple days. Come back to them and read them aloud, asking yourself if they adequately explain how you feel. Rewrite them if they don’t. Repeat the process over several days. If you have an objective friend, ask her to listen to your words and ask her what she heard, understood, and felt in response. When you become comfortable with your wording and the message you want him to grasp, it’s time to tell him.

2. Share this with him when you are both at ease, calm, and have no conflict occurring. Tell him that you have something very important you want him to understand about you, and ask if he agrees to talk openly with you until you are able to explain how you feel.

3. Begin by praying together and then reading and discussing Ephesians 4:29. Your goal in this discussion is to model that verse to him, so that he will follow the teaching of that verse with you. Ask him his understanding of that verse and specifically how it applies to everyday life. When you are ready to lead him to understand how you wish him to apply that truth in his interactions with you, phrase every word in terms of what you feel, not in what he does. “I feel like I’m in the third grade again,” is much better than, “You treat me like a child.” If your goal is to help him understand how his actions affect you and then get him to change them, you have a far greater likelihood of success if you do not phrase things in a way that makes him feel attacked. Remember, as you share what you need, keep focused on what he needs that will benefit him. Make sure you don’t do to his emotions what he has been doing to yours.

4. Keep the conversation going until he understands and adequately explains to you what you feel. If you have trouble getting him to understand, read your writings from step one to him, or have him read it.

5. If you reach an impasse, ask if you can try again with a mentor couple, pastor, or professional counselor.

6. If during the conversation, he purposely or inadvertently takes a “parenting” role and your negative feelings rise, calmly tell him what you feel and what he said that gave birth to them.

7.  When he does “get it,” ask him what he will do differently, then get his agreement that you may use the code phrase, “I wish to do (think, feel, etc.) this my way,” whenever he forgets and again starts telling you how to do things. Use that phrase from now on.

Whatever you do, don’t put this conversation off, thinking it will get better on its own. Fix it now before it becomes a major problem in your marriage.