8. Begin to admire your husband in nonverbal ways. Studies of communication between husbands and wives have proven that words alone are responsible for only 7 percent of the total communication. Thirty-eight percent of marital communication is expressed through voice tone, and 55% through facial expressions and body movement. In other words, when you say something to your husband, the words themselves account for only 7% of the meaning. Take a phrase, "I love you." It can be said in a way that communicates, "Of course I love you; I pay the rent, don't I?" or it could express in a way that says, "I adore you and couldn't live my life without you." Or, "I desperately need you to fulfill my needs right now." That's why I have heard so many wives responding to their husbands' "I love you" with, "You sure have funny ways of showing it."

9. Genuinely desire and seek your husband's forgiveness when you offend him. Both men and women tend to avoid those who offend them. (One of the most common complaints children make about their parents is that parents never admit they are wrong.) The key to "wiping the slate clean" with your husband is not saying, "I'm sorry." That's a phrase even children exploit to avoid a spanking. When we have been offended by someone, we usually don't want to hear a glib "I'm sorry." We want to know that the person realizes he or she was wrong and that he or she hurt us. I believe there are a lot of "wrong ways" to ask forgiveness. They are wrong because they do not bring us into harmony with the person whom we have offended and they may not communicate the person's value to us.

One of the best ways I've found to ask forgiveness is, unfortunately, the hardest and the least creative. All it requires is that you go to your husband, look into his eyes, and say, "I was wrong in what I said or did. Can you forgive me?" Two things will happen when you ask for forgiveness in this way. First, your husband will desire to restore the relationship and will be more prepared to forgive you; and second, it is likely to exert pressure on him to ask for forgiveness in the future for the way he has offended you. As a side benefit, it makes him feel important—you are telling him indirectly that you care for him enough not to leave him with hurt feelings.

© Copyright 2005 Smalley Relationship Center