Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Dear Dr. David,

My husband and I have been married for 9 years. I am a Christian, but he's not. He was not a Christian before we got married either. I did not ask God for help in making decision about marriage. I thought that with my love, he would change. He's been doing what he wants, what he likes without thinking of consequences. He only cares about investing in businesses, making money. He thinks that money defines himself. He does not have any plan for our family (children). I know that I have made mistake when not obeying God (marrying a non believer). I have been praying for God's solution. I don't want to consider divorce (I know God hates divorce). But, it seems like that's the path that we're heading. He does not want to change. I can’t discuss anything with him. He's just quiet and just does his way, no matter what I say or feel. I have been asking God if I should stay in this marriage. I don't know what to do at this point. Please advice! ~ Confused

Dear Confused,

Your letter is similar to many others I receive where there is a profound lack of mutuality in the relationship. While you are to be applauded for loving your husband, it is naïve to think a mate will change simply because of being loved, though we certainly wish it would be so.

Mutuality—meeting one another’s needs—is a primary ingredient in any relationship and is part of the gospel plan. Mutual submission under the Lordship of Christ is God’s plan for marriage. (Ephesians 5: 12-25) Lopsided, self-centered relationships simply don’t work, and your marriage appears to be an example of that. Many relationships today seem to be self-oriented—meeting our own needs without regard for the needs of our mate. This is a recipe for ultimate disaster.

Having said that, I have several concerns about your thinking.

First, you seem stuck on the notion that you married an unbeliever. While certainly the Scripture warns about that, God can still redeem your marriage. Your life can be a testimony of God’s redeeming love, and we’re told that your behavior can win him over without a word. (I Peter 3: 1) It will take hard work, and practicing sound principles of healthy relating.

Second, you note that your husband doesn’t want to change and you seem quite passive in your response. In thirty years of counseling, I haven’t found many people who really want to change. Most of us want relief, but don’t want to change. Your husband would be quite an exception if he really wanted to change.