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Dear Dr. David,

It’s the holiday season again and I’m getting anxious about getting together with my family. I know lots of people have problems with family this time of year, but it’s my grandmother who makes me the most crazy.

While I love my grandmother, she rules our family. It’s like she’s the Queen and everyone tiptoes around her. She dictates how we will celebrate every holiday, and then scolds us when things don’t go my way. She’ll punish anyone who doesn’t go along with her. Sometimes she is very sweet, and I love her a lot. But, other times she seems mean-spirited. What’s the deal?

I’m tired of this, but I also know that we are supposed to respect our elders. Where is the line between respect and treating someone like they are the ruler of their little kingdom? I have some expectations for how I want the holidays to be. Aren’t I entitled to some thoughts and feelings about this too? ~ Losing Respect

Dear Respect,

It is certainly true that we are to respect our elders. Leviticus 19: 32 says, “Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God.” Romans 12: 10 says “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”

But, your situation is not that simple. You describe circumstances where your grandmother seems to have an undue amount of power or influence over your family. Nowhere do the Scriptures say that you must conform in every way to what someone else expects of you. To do this is to feed into your grandmother’s exaggerated sense of herself. In fact, is it possible that your entire family have catered to her wishes and desires too long?

It seems to me that your responsibility is to treat your grandmother with respect, showing her consideration and positive regard. However, that does not mean that you defer to her in every way, especially when her actions are anything but respectful.

As I’ve suggested, there is also a larger problem—that being your family having catered to your grandmother’s power far too long. While I don’t suggest making a radical shift, or in any way show her unkindness, I do think it completely responsible to set healthy boundaries with her, and take away her power to blackmail or act vindictively toward you. These kinds of actions, were they to occur, should be confronted in a loving and caring way.

As we approach the holidays, when families come together under stressful circumstances, I think it is important to consider the following possibilities:

Consider how you want to relate to one another. It will be tempting to relate the ways you’ve always related, but this may no longer be working for you. How might you relate differently, perhaps even more effectively?

Notice how you get “hooked” by family members. Make a note of how it happens and what your typical response is—then vow to act differently.