So, life-shattering affairs start with something as basic as listening, accepting, and valuing another person? Yes. The process starts slowly and picks up speed as each realizes that the other will love and value in spite of what they hear.

If many are willing to extend such grace to a coworker or friend, why isn't such grace extended to the ones we made a lifelong pledge to - our spouse?

Most husbands or wives who disguise their true feelings or actions do so because they fear some type rejection from their spouse Their fear ranges from the relatively minor (the spouse pouting, crying, acting hurt) to the moderate (heated arguments, emotional withdrawal, lack of fulfilling sex) to the major (hitting, leaving, divorcing, exposing embarrassing or endangering facts to others). If people experience negative reactions from the "minor category" when they share, they very likely aren't going to risk opening themselves to the negative consequences found in the moderate or major categories.

Therefore, it may be that a husband may have tried on occasion to share the facts of his life (his day, his hobbies, etc.) or the feelings he has (frustration, happiness, anger) only to find that his wife responded with a lack of interest. Though her lack of response is a minor negative in the grand scheme of things, it may be enough to cause him to clam up. If she reacts in a more intense way (like arguing, or telling him how he needs to fix the situation he just described, or laughing at his emotions), he probably won't share more of himself at all. The scenario above is often why we hear from many wives that they don't understand why their husbands won't open up: "We don't argue. He just doesn't say anything!" It may well be that a minor rejection keeps him from ever risking a more painful rejection. If he decides to risk it and shares again, a moderate level of rejection could ensure his future silence.

Such a dynamic is how spouses "teach each other to lie." When a loved one reacts negatively to honest, open sharing, they shouldn't be surprised when the sharing ceases or at the least goes through a careful editing process before being spoken in their presence.

Yes, I remember what I wrote a few paragraphs above about not stereotyping. I've seen many, many women who would love to share openly about their lives and emotions with their husbands, but who don't dare because of some level of received rejection. But lots of writers mention that situation. I would like to open eyes to the reality that men also want to share but will only do it when they perceive permission. In countless cases I've witnessed even the quietest most reticent man talk endlessly when someone listened carefully, encouragingly, and nonjudgmentally. He may have started more slowly than a verbal female, but as he "tested the waters," felt true acceptance, and believed in the genuine interest of the listener, he shared just as much as any female would have.