Conflict Resolution

Another key to a successful marriage is healthy conflict resolution.  Pre-marital counseling will help couples develop their conflict-resolution style.  (We have our own inventory we give couples that we have included at the end of this article.)

Relationship researchers have determined certain conflict-resolution styles that can lead to divorce. These are:

• Stonewalling (withdrawal)
• Defensiveness
• Criticism
• Contempt.

Finding these marital parasites early and developing a healthier method of interaction gives couples a strong start to marriage that will benefit them for a lifetime.

Communication

The next important issue that relationship counseling should cover is communication. During the blissful, phenylethlamine stage of a relationship, it is quite natural for couples to “read each others’ minds” -- even finish each others’ sentences.  How many times have you heard young couples say, “We just think alike”, “She knows me so well”, “I feel whole in his presence”?  Once again, we find this feeling aided by the couple’s brain chemistry.  No wonder so many pre-marital couples think they don’t need counseling to aid in communication!  It’s all too shocking when these mystical mind-reading processes come to a halt – and this often occurs incidentally at our four-year critical mark.  Then, couples really have to learn to communicate.

Good pre-marital counseling teaches couples tools to do just that.  Communication techniques that promote understanding, foster empathy, bring about insight, and facilitate forgiveness are essential parts of a solid program.

In addition to providing all of these helps for young couples, pre-marital counseling can help you with any unresolved individual baggage you may knowingly or unknowingly carry into your marriage.  Issues such as low self-esteem, unresolved issues in your family of origin, unresolved guilt, and others can rear their ugly heads and reek havoc on a new marriage.  More than anything pre-marital counseling gives couples the confidence that they can beat the odds and become the soul mates God intended them to be.

Conflict Resolution Inventory

1.      Which predictors of divorce apply to you (stonewalling/withdrawal, defensiveness, criticism, contempt)?

2.      List several childhood conflicts or traumas.

3.      How did you respond?  What did you do?

4.      List several relational conflicts or traumas.

5.      How did you respond?  What did you do?

6.      The main ways you resolve conflict are…? (write a brief paragraph)

7.      What are you going to change about your conflict style?

Drs. Beverly and Tom Rodgers have been Christian relationship counselors for the past 26 years. They own and operate Rodgers Christian Counseling and the Institute for Soul Healing Love in Charlotte, North Carolina. Both have their PhD’s in Clinical Christian Counseling. Dr. Bev has a Masters Degree in Marital and Family Therapy and Dr. Tom also has a Masters Degree in Human Development. Together they have written 4 books: Soul Healing Love: Turning Relationships That Hurt Into Relationships That Heal, How to Find Mr. or Ms. Right, Adult Children of Divorced Parents, and The Singlehood Phenomenon: Ten Brutally Honest Reasons Singles Aren’t Getting Married. For information on their books or workshops, visit: http://www.soulhealinglove.com

They have appeared on the shows --- A Time for Hope, His Side Her Side, The American Family, and NBC Nightside, and have been featured speakers on NPR and the BBC. Together they facilitate relationship workshops for couples and singles across the globe. They have been married for 30 years and have two grown daughters.