Women normally see a man’s potential and hope he will change after marriage. Men, on the other hand, fall in love with a woman just as she is and expect her to stay the same throughout marriage.

KATHY: When Larry and I were engaged, I thought my eyes were open to any weaknesses Larry might have. I even considered writing down the imperfections in him so that later, if those things upset me, I would remember that I went into marriage with my eyes open.

The real surprise came when the things I loved about Larry before we married became sources of irritation. As a result, I went into marriage with two strikes already against me: the weaknesses I was aware of and the lack of knowledge about how strengths might be taken to extremes.

I loved Larry’s take-charge personality when we were dating. He organized our dates and I felt secure, knowing I wouldn’t have to make decisions. I didn’t know, though, that he would take that temperament characteristic and tell me how to stack the glasses in the kitchen cupboard. Nor did I expect him to comment on how much toilet paper or tissues I used in the bathroom. Yet Larry had an opinion about that and . . . everything else.

Had I known about the temperaments before we got married, I could have gone into marriage more knowledgeable and less defensive over Larry’s self-assuredness. Instead of accepting his confidence as the way God had made him, I took it personally, got angry, and believed he loved me less.

Who’s Got the Order and Who’s Got the Fun?

After Charles and Karen studied the personalities/temperaments, their marriage radically changed for the better. They understood how they could complement each other instead of looking at their differences as annoyances. However, they still have moments when they forget what they learned! When they notice one of them trying to take control, usually in a negative way, they stop right away and remind themselves that they’re having a “pantry moment.”

That phrase developed because Charles, the melancholy perfectionist, likes compartments in the pantry, dishwasher, and refrigerator to be maintained in a categorical and orderly fashion (small items on top, canned goods in a row, cups and saucers in their proper slots in the dishwasher, etc.). Karen, the fun-loving sanguine, is more interested in getting things put away—but not necessarily in a perfect way—so that she can get on to what is “fun.”

When Karen is out of town, Charles straightens up everything in the pantry, fridge, and dishwasher. When Karen is home, she tends to forget the “rules” and just puts things behind the closed doors. This bugs Charles! Yet his precision bugs Karen! However, they have learned that this can work in their favor.

When they start to argue, they stop and remind themselves that they’re having a “pantry moment.” That’s a signal to get to the bottom of the communication difference rather than try to control each other.

Karen and Charles’s marriage is now more calm, warm, caring, and intimate. They rarely fight because they understand each other’s personality in a deeper way, and they see it as a blessing instead of a source of competition. Charles brings the order, Karen supplies the fun.

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