When extended family units are enmeshed, often individual families are also enmeshed because that’s the way the adults learned to relate. For instance, enmeshment happens in the parent—child relationship when a child is expected to fulfill the family’s choice of career. Enmeshment happens in marriage when the husband and/or wife isn’t allowed to maintain his or her individuality but is expected to mold to the other’s expectations.

Enmeshed families often come together to create enmeshed churches. These churches tend to stifle creativity and stick to rigid traditions that aren’t Christ-based. These groups are more interested in defending their “standards” or traditions than seeking truth and living sacrificial love. They sacrifice individuals for the tradition.

If you can see elements of enmeshment in your family, start drawing healthy boundaries. Put your mate and immediate family first. If need be, explain what’s happening gently. Get caller ID and don’t answer all the calls from excessive callers. Plan a trip away this holiday season. It doesn’t have to be far. Nobody in your extended family will die if you aren’t there, and your own family will be healthier for it.

When two individuals are differentiated and secure in their own identities, they can give themselves to one another and become one flesh as God intended. This means that they have a close and stable relationship with their parents and a loyalty to the system in which they were raised, but now they combine their family backgrounds into a new and distinct system.

Enmeshment is the opposite of individuality. Take the chains of conformity and control off you, your mate, and your kids. Allow yourselves to be who you are and to manifest the strengths God has gifted you with. Allow your children to share their feelings, even if it involves something negative. Support healthy communication and teach grace.

Lord, show me if I’m enmeshed with my family of origin or in my immediate family. Give me the insight, wisdom, and strength to draw the lines I need so I can break from enmeshed traditions. Give me the courage to stand strong when boundaries are ignored or criticized. Give me the grace to be who I am in You and offer others the freedom to be the individuals You crafted in Your image.

Debra White Smith has 52 books to her credit and more than a million books in print, including Romancing Your Husband, Romancing Your Wife, and many fiction romances. Debra's award-winning writing, biblical knowledge, and entertaining humor have made her a reader favorite and a sought-after conference speaker.