May 5, 2008

Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

There is little more painful than the day a couple separates. There is something frighteningly final about a separation, usually coming after months and perhaps years of conflict. With a separation comes the imminent threat of divorce—which in most cases is completely final.

The separation experience is different, of course, depending upon whether you are the “dumper” or “dumpee.” Both usually experience sadness, though the one being “dumped” often also feels intense fear, regret and bewilderment about their future.

Separation is like many other transitions, with feelings of confusion over the future. This is often uncharted territory for both parties, and emotions run high. Because of these intense feelings, impulsive decisions are often made. These decisions are frequently detrimental to the possibility of saving the marriage.

Consider this recent letter illustrating this issue.

Dear Dr. David. My husband and I have been separated for several months. We had lots of problems leading up to our separation, which I didn’t want. We were only married for several months before I found out I was pregnant. We also had serious illness in our family, we both worked, and we had financial problems.

I knew something was bothering my husband, but he would never talk to me. When I tried prying things out of him he became angry. He began spending more and more time with friends. I became angry with him, and have since regretted how I handled things. I am wondering if I pushed him away with my possessive behavior and angry feelings.

My husband and I have talked (mostly me) about things in our relationship that have made us unhappy. I have gotten everything of my chest and am ready to take the :next step. He isn't making any effort to do any thing as far as I can tell. I see things I have done and I pray that God will help me change them. I also ask God to keep revealing to me things I am not aware of. I am to the point were something needs to happen. I can't keep playing this charade with him. I am ready to move on either with him or without. I don't want to be with him if he is not willing to work on changing things in our relationship.