I pray to God for guidance, strength, courage, and comfort. I don't know what else to do. I know divorce is wrong, but I really feel that my husband is waiting for me to make the first move because he doesn't want to be "the bad guy." I don't know what to do. I feel like going and filing for divorce tomorrow and just getting it over with. Can you please help?

This woman is in a very challenging place, emotionally and spiritually, which I talk about at length in my book, Love Lost. Living in the chasm between marriage and divorce is a troubling place, filled with uncertainty, fear and loneliness.

A separation, however, doesn’t have to be the final warning before a divorce. If handled correctly, and prayerfully, a separation can actually be a wake-up call for both parties, with opportunities to come back together healthier and happier than before.

Sound too good to be true? Consider these action steps if you’re in the middle of an unwanted separation.

First, go slowly. Impulsive actions are often driven by emotion, and usually end in disaster. A harshly spoken word drives a deeper wedge between you. A passive-aggressive action meant to get even only adds fuel to the fire. Be thoughtful, careful and deliberate in everything you say and do.

Second, meet your mate at their point of need. In other words, try to give your spouse what they are asking for. If they want space, give it to them. If they want solitude to reflect on the marriage, help them get it. If they want tenderness, show it to them.

Third, create healthy boundaries. Being kind doesn’t equate to being foolish. Being sensitive doesn’t mean you tolerate anything. For example, strongly request on there being no romantic alliances during this time.  Make clear agreements on how finances will be handled. Set and adhere to clear boundaries regarding the children.

Fourth, remedy problems. It took serious problems to lead to a separation. Seek to remedy those problems. Listen to what your mate is saying about why they insist on a separation. Seek information that will help you become a better person. Though extremely difficult, embrace this opportunity to change and grow.

Fifth, control anger and blame. It does no good to spew hostility on one another. Anger is divisive and leads not only to increased resentment and problems, but propels you toward the divorce. It doesn’t help to rehearse all your mate has done to you. Seek peace and cooperation.

Finally, build upon the positive. Look for opportunities to interact pleasantly with your mate. Find opportunities to treat your mate with respect and kindness. Help them remember why they fell in love with you in the beginning.

I’d love to hear from you. What has helped in managing the difficult emotions of separation? What has hurt the process?