Next, Scott asked Cheryl if she wanted anything else with her order. She continued, "I have so many things to do before we leave, I feel frustrated because I could use your help." Scott then repeated her words, "You feel frustrated because you could use my help to finish all the things you need done before leaving the house." After going back and forth, Cheryl explained that she felt understood and validated. [Again, Scott didn't have to "agree" with what Cheryl was saying; instead, his job was to honor and validate his wife's feelings.]

The couple then traded places and Cheryl began with the same invitation, "Welcome to the Smith home, may I take your order?" The funny part about this exercise is what happened next. Scott's first statement actually solved their problem. "I feel frustrated because I always get ready before you and then I just sit around waiting for you. It's boring," he articulated.

Cheryl smiled, and repeated his words slowly and lovingly. "If I hear you correctly, you get frustrated and bored just sitting around, waiting for me to finish getting ready."

"That's right," Scott said looking a little puzzled. Finally he put two and two together and realized why she was smiling. Cheryl needed help with several things before they were ready to leave the house. Instead of helping, he'd get bored by doing nothing.

At this point, Scott had nothing more to say; instead, he was ready to look for a "Win / Win" solution.

When two people get into an argument, usually they have their own solution to the problem (Solution A & Solution B). Sometimes they can agree to compromise (Solution AB), but here, no one really wins. It's like a half win because they both give in some. On the other hand, a win/win solution is when both individuals brainstorm several additional solutions (C-G) by letting them go like balloons up in the air. At first, you do not evaluate the possible solutions (C-G). After all ideas are "up in the air" then both individuals evaluate and determine if there is one solution that they both like (Solution E for example). This is different than a compromise because instead of both giving in, they find a different solution that is acceptable. They leave their original impasse (Solutions A & B), and find another answer that they both agree is the best solution to their problem. Thus, they reach a "win/win" resolution.

Returning to Scott and Cheryl's illustration, they began to brainstorm possible solutions. For example, Scott could help out instead of sitting around bored, and Cheryl could start getting ready earlier. They agreed that the combination of these two things would create a relational "win/win." Sometimes a "win/win" can be one or both of the original solutions (A and/or B). The main point is that both agree that the solution is the best choice—thus, it's a WIN for the relationship!  

See how quickly a solution can appear once two people share their needs and feelings. Sometimes, however, we may not understand or even see an obvious solution. This is why when trying to determine the best solution for a problem, it still must be done in honor. Cheryl could have shamed Scott for not realizing that she needed help.

Sometimes, when you cannot decide upon a solution, you may need to go back and LUV Talk some more. If you remain persistent, most conflicts can be resolved.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center