Dear Shrinking,

You are describing a classic case of Egotism. Fortunately, you can learn more about this form of CrazyMaking and take effective steps to combat the problem. Consider these action steps.

First, you must come out of the deep freeze. Specifically, that means you must understand how your husband commands center stage and how you allow it to happen. So, you’re already beginning to come alive by noticing your discomfort. You must continue this growth process by noticing how and when your husband does things that make you feel small and insignificant.

Second, take control of your life. While you cannot control what he does, you can control what you do. Instead of shrinking, you can get large again by voicing your opinion, by disagreeing with him when appropriate. You can develop an action plan for change.

Third, share with him, repeatedly, your need for mutuality. Specifically, that means you ask him to listen to you share about your day. Point out to him when he interrupts you, and kindly ask him to stop. Force yourself to talk even when it’s easier to shrink back, allowing him to talk. Help him understand the concept of “give and take,” without assuming he knows it.

Fourth, voice your opinion. Dare to disagree with him. Emphasize that you appreciate his opinion, but that you are different from him. Validate his point of view, but also ask him to validate your right to see things differently. Make it clear that your point of view is just as valid as his, and ask him not to try to talk you out of it.

Fifth, share the things that are exciting to you. When tempted to shrink and grow quiet, in response to his grandiosity, talk about the things that are important to you. Be bold enough to share your pride in your own accomplishments. Ask him to please share in your excitement.

Finally, make a point of dancing differently with him—and talking about the changed dance. Let him know that things are going to change in how you talk. Catch him listening to you, and thank him for his attention. Let him know what you need, repeatedly, and that your conversational dance must change. Let him know that you appreciate his efforts.

Do you have an Egotist in your life? A spouse, boss, employee? Start noticing how you naturally shrink in their presence. Notice the resentment you feel when everything revolves around them. However, don’t stop there. Use your resentment to change the dance. Insist on being true to yourself and asking for what you need.

I’d love to hear other suggestions for how you’ve coped with the Egotist in your life. Next week we will talk about dealing with the Aggressor in your life.