Third, ask that your opinion be considered, assuring him that you will consider his opinion. This too will take practice. Listen to what he is saying, assuring him that you can see the validity of his perspective. Slow down the process, taking time to truly listen to each other, guarding against the temptation of preparing your counter-attack while either is talking. Likewise, ask him to validate your point of view. 

Fourth, empathize with him and ask that he empathize with you. A powerful bridge is built between two people when they truly walk in the other’s shoes. A sigh of relief often occurs when we let the other person know we see and understand what they are saying. We, too feel relief and actually experience healing when our mate offers empathy. Empathy causes us to change our style, seeing and feeling the impact of what we’re doing to our mate.

Fifth, refuse to get into power struggles or arguments. Agree that you will not bicker or push your point of view on the other person. Interrupt fruitless arguing and hurtful bickering. Reassure each other that peace and harmony is sweeter than any victory obtained through argument.

Finally, hold each other accountable for change. Changing old patterns is difficult. It is much easier to slip into old ways of doing things. However, this is an opportunity for both of you to grow. Make an agreement that you are both going to change old patterns, allowing for minor slips to occur on the path to healthy relating.

We can “win” any argument. We can forcefully push our agenda and cause the other to retreat. This harms the other emotionally and ruins a marriage. Take care, when taking a position, to not overwhelm your mate. Seek win-win solutions that take the relationship to a higher level. Notice the delight when you both feel heard, empathized with and fully appreciated. Accurate empathy heals—and you have an opportunity to offer that to your mate.

Tell me what you’ve done to avoid harmful power struggles.