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Stop Criticizing!
Dr. David B. Hawkins
Director of the Marriage Recovery Center
Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family? Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to him at: TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.
“You never listen to what I say,” Kari said forcefully to her husband, Derrick, during a recent counseling session.
“I can’t do anything right,” Derrick quickly lamented, following her critical comment. “Everything I do is wrong. I’m sick of it. If I’m not the man she wants, why doesn’t she just get rid of me?”
Kari, his wife of fifteen years, rolled her eyes as Derrick complained of her treatment of him. After a moment, she decided to respond.
“First of all, Derrick, everything you do isn’t wrong, and I wish you’d stop saying that. But there are a lot of things I would like different in our marriage. How can I tell you without you slipping into this ‘poor me’ attitude.”
Derrick, of course bristled at her final comment, which only served to reinforce how critical she had been. Before I could comment, Derrick jumped back into the fray.
“Did you hear what you just said? How do you think it feels to be called ‘poor me’ and scolded the way you do? I don’t like it. I’m not sure how you can tell me what you need to say, but you’ve got to find a new way.”
“Hold it, folks,” I said. “Let’s slow things down and look closely at how you talk to each other. I’m sure we can figure out what you’re each doing that sets the sparks going. Are you game?”
A quick review of Kari and Derrick’s interaction reveals some painful mistakes most of us make on a regular basis, leaving us to wonder why our mate reacts defensively. Consider their interaction.
First, he reacts. Without hardly taking a breath, he reacts rather than taking a moment to respond. He says the first thing that comes to his mind, beginning an avalanche of negativity.
What could he have done differently? He could have taken a moment to digest what his wife was saying, considering how he wanted to respond.
Second, he slips into ‘awfulizing.’ He complains about never being to do anything right, which hooks Kari. Rarely are we accused of never being able to do anything right, and to accuse our mate of those actions will surely get a rise out of them. The fight will be on.
What could Derrick have done differently? He could have spoken from his most vulnerable self, declaring his feelings—“I feel discouraged. I feel deflated, like I’m trying to please you. Can you help me understand what I could do that might make more of a difference?”
Most Recent User Comments
randylee_ware
11/12/2008 11:14 AM
I believe this is a systemic problem among all ethnic lines. Not gender bashing (hostile comment directed at a specific group), I’m a male and at the present happily married to my wife of twenty six years. We had to work hard to get too this moment in our live, she was more critical and I was more analytical of our differences. We have done professorial Counseling and it’s working for us, you have to be willing to speak about what is troubling you. My wife seems to criticize all that I would try to do in our relationship; it seemed that I had no clue of what was truly going on with family and work responsibility. But, I would never express my feeling, which was something I was told never to do as a male. So, I would keep it to myself. I have sense learned that it will made you sick and it is unhealthy. I say to all males, speak up with clarity and be sensitive to how you address your wife with words. But, please speak up.
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