Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to: TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com. 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tom said angrily to his wife, Kari. “You’re crazy and everyone knows it. Even your friends think you’re nuts.”

“I can’t believe you’re talking to me this way,” Kari said, still trying to gather her wits. She stood in her kitchen stunned.

“You’re ridiculous,” he shouted.

“Please don’t talk to me like this,” she said weakly.

“I can and I will,” Tom asserted. “You need a good shrink, but I doubt even he could help you.”

Kari started to cry. 

“Oh, and now you’re going to cry, trying to make me feel bad,” Tom said, hovering over her and pointing his finger. “You’re pathetic.”

With that Tom walked out of the house, slamming the door.

Kari crumpled to the floor, oblivious to the fact that their two children were quietly sitting in their rooms, praying the fighting would stop.

Kari wouldn’t talk about scenes like this for years, partly because of shame and partly because of fear. It’s never easy to share facts about verbal abuse in marriage. It’s never easy to admit your husband, or wife, has shameful aspects to their personality.

You may be tempted to believe a scene like this happens infrequently. You might think it could never happen in a Christian home. Yet, neither of these facts are true—verbal abuse occurs frequently and in Christian homes. Verbal abuse is part of far too many relationships, with 98% of victims being female, and is characterized by the following:

• Attacks on personal character
• Blame and accusations
• Shame and judging
• Sarcasm and twisting what you say
• Rewriting history
• Playing the victim
• Manipulation, control and coercion
• Unpredictable explosions
• Criticism that is harsh and undeserved
• Swearing
• Intimidation
• Escalating situations

Certainly we can see several of these symptoms in the above situation. Tom degrades Kari, as well as using shame in an attempt to make her feel bad and conform to his expectations. He taunts her for crying, and calls her names. He tries to undermine her esteem by telling her she needs professional help. His actions are deplorable.