I am a Christian woman and want to obey God, but staying married is repulsive to me. How can I stay with a man who doesn’t seem to love me? Is there anything I can do to bring the spark of our marriage back? Can one person bring back a spark? Please help. ~ Lonely in Marriage

Dear Lonely:

As I said, you are quite typical in comparing your life to those that are intentionally glamorized on television and in the popular magazines. But, let’s slow down and think this through.

You said you thought your marriage was okay until you compared it to the soap opera star. This suggests that perhaps your marriage is quite typical—needing a tune-up, perhaps, but not ready for the scrap heap. Is it possible you have over-idealized the television personality and then are unfairly comparing your husband and marriage, to it? If so, turn off the television, get your feet back on the ground, and remember why you chose to marry your man.

Comparing our lives to ideals can make us feel inferior, or can motivate us toward something better. It is also possible that watching the screen star in action reminded you of some qualities missing in your marriage. If so, consider it an informative lesson and go to work on your marriage. While the ideals set forth by the television star may be just that, ideal, you can still learn from them.  

Your marriage is an opportunity for your own growth and holiness. Remember, God instituted marriage, and there are opportunities for your own growth in your marital issues. Be prayerful about what you need to change, and begin with you—not him.

And what if, as you say, your man doesn’t respond immediately to your request for improvement? Stick with it. Encouragement, not criticism, is the way to your man’s heart. Offer suggestions for evenings out. Create opportunities for adventure. Ask if he won’t take that long-needed vacation to a sunnier part of the nation.

We all need inspiration and sometimes it comes from unexpected places. What has inspired you to improve your marriage? I’d love to hear from you.

Published on January 13, 2008