Second, what should you do about your past unfaithfulness? The fact that you’ve already been unfaithful brings up several questions: What caused you to be unfaithful in the beginning of your relationship? Have you and your mate settled those issues? Have you been extremely clear with each other that unfaithfulness can have no place in your relationship and you now must make even greater efforts to rebuild a trusting relationship? 

Betrayal brings many wounds. Broken trust leaves scars that last a long time. Many believe unfaithfulness is common and therefore not that harmful. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sexual unfaithfulness is one of the most difficult betrayals from which to recover. Have you and your girlfriend talked out your hurt and pain? Have you resolved the pain and trauma you experienced from having been unfaithful, and your girlfriend being unfaithful to you? Have you reassured each other you will never hurt one another like this again?

Hedge of protection. In Biblical times, people built a hedge of thorns around their gardens and even their houses as a method of protection. Likewise, we need to build hedges of protection around our marriages. “Have you not made a hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he has on every side?” (Job 1: 10) You can build a hedge of thorns, metaphorically, with your girlfriend and your future marriage. Agree not to take any chances with your relationship.  

Avoid even the appearance of evil. Make an agreement with your mate that your hedge of protection will withstand any onslaught. Agree to do nothing that would arouse suspicion in your mate. Go the extra mile for her and ask her to go the extra mile for you. This means letting go of flirtatious behavior and making it clear to others that you and your mate are not available.

Practice trusting. Trust is like a muscle that must be repaired and rebuilt. Practice using it and notice it strengthen. Notice her acting in ways that say, “I love you. You’re mine.” Practice saying those things to her. Then—take calculated risks. There are no guarantees in life. As long as you keep your marital house in order, however, there is little reason to stray.

Get counsel. If you find yourself unable to move forward, you need professional counseling. If your relationship has been marred by infidelity, of any kind, and you simply cannot move forward, seek wise counsel.  

What has helped you build or rebuild trust in your marriage? I’d love to hear from you.  

Posted January 20, 2009