There is a fine balance to be had with our families of origin—on the one hand we need their comfort, support and familiarity to help us manage throughout our lives. On the other, there comes a time when it is critical that we fully embrace our mate and make them feel totally and completely secure. Scriptures are clear about the importance of “leaving and cleaving” when it comes to our marriage (Gen 2: 24). With that in mind, let's look at some practical ways to deal with this situation:

You are caught in a power struggle, and this must end. Obviously struggling with your husband to leave his mother has been ineffective. He has been unwilling to let go of her; possibly because of how hard you’re tugging at him to make this happen. Often when we try to force an issue, we are met with resistance and get the opposite effect. I wonder if this is happening with you.

You don’t mention seeking counseling to help you and your husband resolve this struggle. I believe a neutral, professional could help both of you see the validity of each other’s position. Certainly he has the right, and even obligation to respect his mother. He also has the obligation to protect you from any abuse or control on her part. A wise counselor could help resolve these issues.

Stop fighting! While this may be easier said than done, fighting endlessly about any topic is draining to a relationship. Don’t engage with him on provocative statements regarding your mother-in-law. Don’t get involved in petty bickering, or battles that lead nowhere and further weaken your bond.

Do set boundaries for yourself. While your husband may be unwilling to “take sides,” and in fact shouldn’t have to, you are not helpless in setting healthy boundaries with her. In a clear, calm manner, make it clear to your husband and your mother-in-law what behaviors you consider abusive and will not tolerate. Stick to those boundaries.

Seek places of agreement. In the midst of this thorny issue there are places where you and your husband can agree. Seek those places. Can you agree to visit your mother-in-law with him once a week? Can you support the healthy aspects of his relationship to her? Encouragement is a much stronger method of changing behavior than criticism. Try it.

How have others dealt with extended family issues? We’d like your input.

Published January 27, 2009.

Dr. Hawkins is the director of The Marriage Recovery Center where he counsels couples in distress.