It’s time to sit down with your mate and really listen. With an open mind, setting aside defenses, make note of all her complaints. Offer no rebuttal or excuses. This is her time and place to voice her unhappiness, and you must listen and take her comments to heart. Doing this alone will begin a very positive change process.

Having made note of her complaints, put together a plan of action for change. This may very well require professional help. We don’t tend to see ourselves very clearly, especially when it comes to someone criticizing our actions.

It is critical that you prioritize the issues. Working on one issue at a time will help you feel like you’re making progress, and will help your wife see you are taking her seriously.

Remember the positive reinforcement plans you may have used with your children. Ask your mate to help reinforce your positive behavior by noticing your efforts. Ask her to gently remind you when you miss the mark—which you will undoubtedly do.

Don’t expect yourself to be perfect, but do expect yourself to make consistent progress. Most mates will forgive occasional errors if they see a change of heart and consistent patterns of behavior change. Agree together there will be “bumps” along the trail. “Progress, not perfection,” must be your motto. Learn from the bumps so they don’t continue to occur.

Take a few chances. Don’t make your journey back to her all work. Ask if she would like you to plan some special outings, and if so, make it happen. Keep the dialogue open about her expectations, working together to set the pace of progress.

Many relationships can be saved if the warning signals are heeded. I’d love to hear about your success stories or areas of struggle.  

Published February 10, 2009

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Dr. Hawkins is the director of The Marriage Recovery Center  where he counsels couples in distress. He is the author of over 30 books, including When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You, Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage, and Saying It So He'll Listen. His newest books are titled  The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and  The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt.  Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.