You’ve heard the mother-in-law jokes, as well as the horror stories about stressful relationships between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws. But there actually are plenty of women who manage to build loving relationships with their son’s wives. They’re the best kind of mother-in-laws.

You can also enjoy a caring and supportive relationship with your daughter-in-law. Such a relationship will bless not just the two of you, but also the man you both love – your son and her husband.

Here’s how you can become the best kind of mother-in-law:

Hold your tongue. Resist the urge to offer your son and daughter-in-law unsolicited advice, no matter how much you think they could benefit from it. Give them a chance to find their own way in life, just as you did. If you’re patient enough to invest the time in gradually building a respectful relationship with your daughter-in-law, she’ll come to trust you and eventually ask you for advice whenever she wants some.

Even when you disagree with your daughter-in-law’s choices, don’t criticize them. She may make mistakes, just as you sometimes do, but when she does, let her make her own mistakes and learn from them. Remember that an important part of a married couple’s development is learning through mistakes. Make sure that your daughter-in-law feels comfortable enough to be herself around you and let down her defenses.

When considering whether or not to give your daughter-in-law advice about something, check your motives first to make sure you truly have her best interests at heart. Also, think about how she will perceive the significance of your advice in light of her circumstances, and ask yourself if your advice might hurt your daughter-in-law’s feelings. Learn as much as you can about how your daughter-in-law sees the issue or situation. Consider asking her probing questions, such as:

“What do you think is the right thing to do?”

“What do you see as the problem?”

“How do you think this will impact your life?”

“Have you thought about what you might do?”

“What is the worst thing you can imagine happening?”

“How does that make you feel?” and

“Why does that bother you?”

Listen respectfully to your daughter-in-law, especially in emotionally charged situations.

Embrace your daughter-in-law. Welcome your daughter-in-law fully into your family, but let her choose her own pace for building closer relationships with you and other family members. Keep in mind that when your son got married, you didn’t lose a son; you gained a daughter. Recognize your daughter-in-law’s important role in your son’s life and choose to be inclusive without overwhelming her. Accept your daughter-in-law for who she is and appreciate how she enriches your family. Let her know that you’re glad she married your son.