With that Carolyn and I explored the history of their marriage. We talked about how she had always been the pursuer of intimacy, and how Karl, like other men, avoided anything emotional. She shared how when he distanced and disengaged, she became angry and critical. When she criticized him, he exploded. She noted how she was bitter and resentful, and how he dug his feet in even more with any emotional conversations.

Carolyn and Karl, like many couples, exhibited the following pattern:

• She pursued emotional conversations; he resisted these advances;
• She purchased books for them to read; he made excuses for not reading them;
• She sought opportunities to spend quality time together; he invested his time and energy into business pursuits;
• She sought to enhance their spiritual lives; he resisted talking about his faith;
• She valued loyalty and intense communication; he valued freedom and easy, light-hearted conversation;
• She wanted commitment and responsibility; he desired flexibility and tends to be irresponsible.

It might be tempting to villainize men, but they aren’t trying to be this way. Our culture indoctrinates men to quickly eliminate problems, to avoid talking about emotions and to dislike emotional intensity. Men are trained to make excuses for their behavior, rather than take personal responsibility for their actions.

Women, on the other hand are trained to be relational, nurturing family and marriage. They tend to care for the well-being of others and are naturally able to handle emotional intensity.

Given this troubling scenario, what is the answer? Here are several things to consider and ways to change this pattern.

First, understand that you both participate in this troubling pattern. Since you have settled into this pattern, you must step back and look at your part in this situation. There are no victims or villains. It will take concerted effort on both your parts to shift the relationship back into a healthy direction. Both must look at their part in the pattern, agreeing to change it. Denial by either partner can be devastating.

Second, encourage him to participate in counseling, showing him the benefits of such action. While he may initially resist, when a woman is really serious about her husband being involved in counseling, and helps him see the benefits, he’ll usually join her. If you are consistent with your message that change must occur, he will get that message. Please see my book, Nine Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make to learn more about changing destructive patterns in marriage.

Third, understand and agree to end the power struggle and work on cooperating with each other. Everyone loses in a power struggle. The woman must end the pattern of pushing while he resists. There must be a fundamental agreement to end this dysfunctional pattern of relating. Both must notice and take responsibility for this pattern, agreeing to end it.