Dear Dr. David. My husband is the pastor of a church, and counsels mostly women. He is usually careful when counseling these women, but there are times when he spends hours on the phone with them and it makes me uncomfortable. He has started taking phone calls at home and away from his church office, and I question the wisdom of this. I had no idea how much time these women can demand, and he is not good at setting boundaries. He is available to them 24 hours a day. He answers his phone wherever we are, and receives hundreds of text messages. When I tell him my concern, he feels I am overreacting. I wonder if his situation is safe, or if there is anything we can do to make sure he doesn’t slip into a dangerous situation. ~ Anxious Pastor’s Wife  

Dear Anxious, 

You are certainly right to be anxious, and your anxiety is a God-given indicator that there is potential for trouble. Here are several things to consider:

First, excessive friendliness often leads to familiarity that then is an opportunity for moral failure. I am most concerned that there seem to be no safeguards when he talks on the phone with them for extended periods of time. You note that he is careful most of the time, but then he becomes lax regarding his boundaries, and this is when you feel uncomfortable.

Second, share this article with him and have a conversation about what color light he thinks he emits to the people he counsels. Consider how you think he approaches his counselees. Is he concerned but thoroughly professional? Does he cross the line into friendliness and familiarity? If so, let him know what you see and why you are concerned.

Third, he disregards your concerns and criticizes you for your reaction. Our mates, or someone from the outside, can often sense when we are in trouble even before we realize it. The fact that he dismisses you concerns me. It certainly appears that he is in denial about the potential danger, and that new boundaries must be established where your feelings are not only considered, but respected.

What to do now? I strongly suggest you talk to your husband, not trying to convince him that what he is doing is wrong or dangerous, but rather emphasizing your discomfort. Don’t preach at him, scold him or try to make him feel guilty. As with other issues, we approach our mate calmly, clearly, consistently and with conviction—emphasizing our feelings. Sit with him and establish better boundaries on the amount of time, when and where he talks on the phone. With better boundaries, and watching to see which light he emits, you’re going to feel more relaxed about the issue.

Dr. Hawkins is the director of The Marriage Recovery Center  where he counsels couples in distress. He is the author of over 30 books, including When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You, Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage, and Saying It So He'll Listen. His newest books are titled  The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and  The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt.  Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.