“What do you mean,” Susan said softly. “Aren’t I supposed to forgive?”

“Of course we’re called to forgive,” I told Susan. “But, we’re not robots. Let me share something about the healing process, and let’s see where you might be in that process.”

With that I shared with Susan the acronymn SARAH, which I’d like to share with you.

S—Shock. We’re often shocked and in disbelief with any overwhelming information. Kubler-Ross said we are immediately in denial when faced with something too catastrophic to accept. It’s true. We can’t simply digest horrific news—and an affair is horrific news!

A----Anger. When we finally grasp the magnitude of what has happened, that our mate has actually slept with another person, we’re understandably angry. We are often even more than angry—we wish harm on the person who has hurt us. These temporary feelings are a natural part of the healing process.

R----Resentment. After the initial shock, and waves of anger, we can slip into a brooding resentment toward the perpetrator of harm. We feel disgusted with their actions. We resent what they’ve done, and how they’re thoughtless actions have impacted our lives.

A----Acceptance. After feelings of disbelief, disgust, disappointment and resentment, which often occur in waves, cycling back and forth, we slowly settle into an acceptance of the reality of what has happened. This doesn’t mean we’re settled with it; it can mean we’re ready to allow the healing process to continue.

H----Healing. Allowing ourselves to feel our feelings is a huge part of allowing the healing process to occur. Recognizing that we’re very human, and have been created with feelings, allows us to “be with” our emotions. As we allow the grief to wash over us, we can begin the rebuilding process.

Susan appreciated hearing about this process. She felt relieved to know that feelings of anger and even resentment were part of normal healing. As the weeks went by, and she allowed herself to accept all of her feelings, she began to allow herself to look deeper into the situation. We invited her husband into the counseling process and explored what aspects of the marriage were broken before the affair, and sought to heal them. Susan allowed Charles to share his remorse, again and again, and together they set boundaries so something like this would never happen again.

The road to recovery for Susan and Charles was not smooth and easy. They would endure outbursts of anger and resentment from Susan. Charles struggled with feelings of defensiveness and had hurtful responses to Susan at times. Both learned, however, they would become stronger as they worked through the problems leading to the affair, recovering from feelings associated with the affair, and rebuilding to make their marriage stronger after the affair. 

Dr. Hawkins is the director of the Marriage Recover Center