Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question t TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Have you ever poured water into a container already filled to the brim? Doing so, of course, leads to spilled liquid and lots of frustration. You have a mess to clean up.

Feelings are much the same. They need a safe landing place, and when we try to force them into a crowded space, they spill over recklessly, often creating chaos. Let me offer an example from my life. 

Recently Christie felt overwhelmed by the prospect of preparing our house for sale. Clearing out years of clutter from our garage, lining up painters, contractors and finally a realtor, proved taxing on her. At the same time, our son was graduating from medical school and getting married. Needless to say, she felt overwhelmed.

“I don’t feel like we’ve spent any quality time together lately,” she said to me one evening, irritated and feeling abandoned.

“What?” I responded defensively. “We just spent last weekend together.” I was annoyed with her feelings, and felt criticized.

“That was one day, and it seems like we’ve been busy coming and going. I want quiet time with you.”

“But, we’ve had quiet time,” I continued, still trying to dissuade her from her feelings. Sensing my defensiveness and inability to contain her feelings, she continued trying to get me to hear her.

“All I want you to do is listen to me,” she said, her irritation mounting. “And stop being defensive. I need you to listen to my feelings.” 

Catching my breath, and sensing the importance of what she was saying, I slowed the process. I listened as she shared more of her feelings of disconnection from me, wanting more support and attention. Additionally, I had not provided a safe container for her feelings, and in fact gave her the impression that I was unable to fully contain her feelings. 

Christie and I had a few very awkward and difficult moments. I felt ambivalence—of course I wanted to be available to her and her feelings. At the same time, I didn’t want to hear criticism and wanted my point of view to be heard. I didn’t want to hear about ways I was failing to be an effective husband. Yet, when I slowed the process, and remembered the importance of being a container for her feelings, I tended to her. I was wise enough to know that defensiveness can stop feelings for the moment, but don’t really solve the problem.