Such is the way with feelings: you can stuff them down, but can’t make them go away! You can give your mate the clear impression that you cannot tolerate their feelings, but their feelings, and the issues that give rise to those feelings, won’t naturally go away. So, what are you to do?

First, prepare to listen to your mate. It is often difficult to listen to painful information. None of us want to hear bad news, and our mate’s unhappiness with us can be viewed as ‘bad news.’ Preparing yourself to hear it can make it easier to listen to their feelings.

Second, remind yourself this is an opportunity to heal challenges in your relationship. Every challenge is a new opportunity to heal troubling issues. These issues will not naturally go away, and bringing these issues out in the open affords you the opportunity to discuss thorny issues.

Third, create a safe container for their feelings. You cannot be defensive, have your own agenda, and be completely available to your mate. Practice setting aside your thoughts and feelings and listen to your mate’s feelings and thoughts on a particular issue. For this moment, ‘it’s all about them.’

Fourth, empathize with your mate. Nothing is so healing as accurate empathy. When we listen to our mate, setting aside our feelings so we can empathize with their pain, our mate senses our caring and shares even more with us. We can ‘be with them,’ and this provides an incredible sense of connection.

Fifth, remind yourself that ‘It’s not all about you.’ All of Christie’s pain and unhappiness was not about me. Even if she were to say it was about me, our thoughts and feelings are often mixed with historical issues. We bring family of origin issues to nearly every encounter. When we keep that in mind, it’s easier to be an empty container for our mate’s feelings.

Finally, seek solutions. Having set aside your agenda, empathized with your mate’s feelings, reminding yourself ‘it’s not all about you,’ you’re able to really care about what is happening with your mate. You can then ask the all important question, ‘what can I do for you?’ Not pushing them to ‘get over their problem,’ you sit with them, own your part of the problem and provide the safe container that brings deeper healing.

Are you ready to be a safe container for your mate’s feelings? Can you set your agenda aside to really listen to them? Can you listen to difficult feedback, reminding yourself ‘it’s not all personal?’ Their feelings are a composite of issues about you and old issues from their past. Keep those issues clear in your mind and you’ll be able to successfully move through problems, growing in the process.