Learn about the fear dance you’re doing together.  Recognize that your fears reflect your wants, and when you believe that your desires won’t be fulfilled, you feel fear.  For example: If you fear rejection, you want acceptance, and if your future spouse pushes one of your emotional buttons connected to your desire for acceptance, you’ll feel afraid that he or she may reject you. 

When someone pushes one of your fear buttons, you react either with fight (getting angry, escalating, using sarcasm, throwing tantrums, defending yourself, invalidating the other person, trying to fix the problem, or complaining) or flight (withdrawing, stuffing your feelings, indulging in negative beliefs, denial, passive aggressiveness, manipulation, numbing out, stonewalling, or shutting down). 

Recognize the steps you and your future spouse take in your own fear dance, and how to deal with them in productive ways.  Describe a recent conflict or negative situation with your future spouse that really pushed your buttons.  Identify what buttons got pushed: How did what happened during the conflict make you feel about yourself, and what message did you receive?  What did you do when your buttons got pushed? What coping strategies did you use?

Take personal responsibility.  Don’t blame your future spouse for how you feel or behave.  That would be giving him or her the power to determine your worth and identity.  God will hold each of you individually accountable to Him for what you do and say.  Ask God to help you take full personal responsibility for your feelings, actions, and responses – no matter what choices your future spouse makes.  Pray for the strength you need to respond to your future spouse in healthy ways like being patient, kind, loving, humble, giving, honoring, and tender. 

When you encounter conflict, create space from each other to get away for a time to calm down and make an appointment to work out the issue later.  Identify the emotions you’re feeling and what triggered them.  Identify what you want, and take your desires to God, asking Him to provide for you. Then respond to your future spouse in loving ways.

Engage in heart talk. Care about your future spouse’s feelings and accept the validity of those feelings – even when you disagree. Find out what’s behind the emotions that your future spouse feels. Listen carefully and reflect back what you heard, giving your future spouse opportunities to clarify.

Forgive each other.  Constantly be willing to forgive your future spouse whenever he or she hurts or offends you.  Whenever you hurt or offend your future spouse, ask for his or her perspective on what happened, validate that perspective, admit your mistakes, and seek forgiveness. Be patient and honor your future spouse’s boundaries during the process of rebuilding trust.