“I’d like you to care enough about the problem to get help. You keep saying you can manage this problem on your own, but nothing changes. I’d like to see you take ownership of how serious the problem is and then to take steps to remedy the problem.”

“Well,” he said loudly, “I can tell you I’m not going to any weird anger management classes, so you can forget about that right now.”

Peter became more defensive and irritated the more requests Janice made. If there was any chance of him taking action on his anger problem, it seemed to disappear by the minute.

“Peter,” I said. “Are you sorry for creating distrust and fear in Janice?”

“Sure,” he said. “But, I don’t need classes.”

“Maybe you do, and maybe you don’t,” I said. “But, what if she wants you to get some help? Wouldn’t that be worth something?”

“Nope,” he said flatly. “Not going to happen. I agreed to come and see you and that’s enough.”

Peter’s defensiveness and unwillingness to truly apologize made me think more about the importance of apologies. I shared with them the three-step approach to a sincere apology—something I call The Three R’s:

First, a sincere apology includes a statement of Remorse. Yes, it begins simply—you state that you are truly sorry for what you’ve done. In Peter’s case, he needed to tell Janice he felt sad for hurting Janice with his angry outburst and the hurting words.

Second, a sincere apology includes a statement of Responsibility. This means we accept and understand the impact our behavior has on the injured party. In Peter’s case, this meant he needed to tell Janice that he understood his anger kept her on guard, always anxious about when he would blow up again. He needed to take responsibility for the fact that his anger created an atmosphere of fear and uncertainty.

Finally, a sincere apology includes Restitution. This means that we’re willing to take whatever steps are necessary to make it up to the injured person. To some extent this means we listen to what they need from us. Humbling ourselves, we listen to what they need to feel safe again. We are paying back something we’ve taken from them.

For Peter, because he had a history of apologizing and then repeating the same behavior, restitution would be costly. Janice wanted him to “pay her back” by taking significant steps to reassure her he was dealing with his anger problem. This meant he would need to be willing, and in fact embrace, taking classes designed to overcome anger problems.

The Three R’s are strong medicine. Many want to take shortcuts, applying simple solutions to complex problems. We’re surprised when these simplistic solutions fail to truly heal wounds. Strong medicine, however, is what is needed.