Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

I love belonging to a Mutual Admiration Society, where I smile at the best side of you and you adore the best side of me. I want everyone to know and talk about all of my best traits. It's a wonderful treat when someone comes up to me and tells me they've heard good things about me.

All of this admiration, however, causes me to pause—what if they knew the complete truth about David Hawkins? Would they still admire me? If they knew my "shadow side," would they still invite me to speak or ask me to write a book for them? I'm never sure about this.

During a promotion for my latest book, Normal People Do the Craziest Things, I was asked why we were so afraid to share our true selves in church, purportedly the safest place on the planet. "Why," this talk show host asked, "are we not transparent in the place where we gather largely because we espouse the lack of judgment?"

I wasn't sure how to answer this man. What I believe, sadly, is that most of us are terrified of being transparent. Most of us have secret selves we show to only one or two people in our world. Even in the safest possible place—marriage—we often disavow our worst traits. We blame, shift the focus, minimize and outright deny these traits that are part of our personality.

Recently I received the following email from a man, struggling to make sense out of his shadow side.

Dear Dr. David. Recently my wife left me because of my history of control with her. She says I've been abusive, but I hate that word. I don't want to think I've been abusive, but it might be true. When I hear her describe me as a controlling man, I want to scream at her. I've never hit her, yet she says she has never been able to be herself around me. In my mind, I've never yelled at her, yet she says I've raised my voice many times at her and our three grown children. I'm wrestling with accepting her opinion of me. My problem is that if I don't come to terms with how she feels around me, I'll never win her back. But, I'm struggling to accept what she is saying. Do you have any advice for me?

First, understand that we all have a shadow side. None of us are perfect, though we live in a culture, which includes the church, where perfection is prized. As the saying goes, "Image is everything," and it seems we've all bought in to this impossible notion.