Dear Dr. Warren,

I'm still recovering from the pain of a devastating divorce. I feel like I need to solve some of the issues that plagued my marriage before I can move out into the world and look for someone to love. This is why I'm writing. All new marriages start with passion and romance. It is usually one of the reasons the people are getting married in the first place. But how can a newlywed couple maintain the passionate flame of love and romance year-after-year without the relationship going stale and eventually dissolving into a divorce?   And how much of a strain can children place on a marriage once they are added to the family? -Rick

Rick,

As a psychologist I spent 35 years working with troubled marriages and encountered your question countless times. Most people seem to view marital passion as a mysterious force that comes and goes with no rhyme or reason. They assume it is natural law that as a marriage gains years it loses passion.

I can tell you, Rick, that I've seen nothing to suggest that either of these viewpoints is an unavoidable fact. It is all too common that these beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies.

In my heart I believe that you control your passionate feelings. They can be coaxed. They can be created, often when you aren't even sure they still exist. I'm reminded of this old story:

A man went to his attorney and announced that he was ready for a divorce. He no longer found his wife attractive. She was caustic, overweight, and frumpy. The two were at war, fighting constantly and he had grown to hate her.

The attorney listened for a while and then offered the following suggestion. "I can hear how much you detest this woman and I have a plan to inflict maximum damage on her. Go home and spend the next 30 days treating her like the most important person in the world. Engage her in conversation and listen attentively. Help her around the house. Take her to dinner, and see a romantic movie once a week. Do everything in your power to be kind to her. You will have set her up for the biggest hurt of her life! THEN we will serve her with the divorce papers and she will be devastated. I'll have the papers ready in 30 days."