You can blame yourself and assume you were the cause of the rejection.  You might think, They would’ve included me if I were funnier, outgoing, more interesting, or a better golfer.  The only result here is damage to your self-worth.

You can obsess over your disappointment, do nothing about it, and continue to replay the hurtful event in your mind.  If you keep these toxic emotions churning, keep pouring acid into your stomach, and keep your muscles clenched, you’ll inflict physical and psychological harm on yourself.

You can do something positive, something that will likely lead to progress.  You can privately incite one or two of your friends to lunch.  Go with the two that you trust most, the two most likely to help you resolve this issue.  Sitting at lunch with them, you can pick the appropriate time to share your disappointment and hurt.  You can pad your statements with understanding: “I know how these things happen, and I shouldn’t be so sensitive.”  Or, “I realize I may be misinterpreting this.”

But then ask your friends if they can help you think it through.  Tell them that if you are the problem, you sincerely want to change.  You simply want to face the truth and get this matter behind you.  This kind of “anger management” almost always leads to stronger relationships and clearer understanding about yourself.

Perhaps you’re thinking that being excluded from lunch and a golf game is trivial.  What if it were a huge problem, one that caused your anger to bubble up like volcanic lava?  All right, let’s assume you just found out your spouse or longtime dating partner has recently been involved emotionally and sexually with someone else.  Your hurt is enormous, your frustration is beyond words, and your sense of threat is off the charts.  What should you do?

Keep the reins firmly in your hands!  Don’t let the horses run wild.  Take much more time to act on your feelings than you instinctively want to.  When your energy is bursting within you, that’s not the time to act impulsively.  Strive hard to be patient.

When your anger or sexual energy is running high, you have a gigantic power reservoir available.  You are capable of doing something terribly destructive, but you can elect to do something with lasting positive consequences.  There are few times in life when you are in such a pivotal position to influence the quality of your future existence.  If you stay solidly in the driver’s seat and think clearly and wisely, you can make a brilliant decision that will bring tremendous growth to your life.

It is easy to fly into a passion – anybody can do that – but to be angry with the right person and to the right extent and at the right time and with the right object and in the right way – that is not easy, and it is not everyone who can do it. – Aristotle

Used with permission from "Love the Life You Live" by Les Parrott, Ph.D. & Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D., published by Tyndale House Publishers, 2003. Visit eHarmony.com to find the love of your life.

Les Parrott, Ph.D., is founder and codirector (with his wife, Dr. Leslie Parrott) of the Center for Relationship Development, a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships, on the campus of Seattle Pacific University (SPU).  He is the author of numerous best-selling books, including "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts."  For more information, visit www.realrelationships.com.

Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the founder of eHarmony.com, a relationship Web site.  He is the former dean of the Fuller Graduate School of Psychology and the author of seven books, including the best-seller "Finding the Love of Your Life."