The principle is-speak the truth in love. It may be easy to tell the truth and it may be easy to be loving, but it's often difficult to do both-to speak the truth in love. Let me give you a skill that will help you do this: make direct requests.

If you're a lady and you want to go for a drive or a bike ride with your husband, don't say, “It's a beautiful day. The sun's out. It's nice walking weather.” You didn't ask for anything (and we men are too dense to get your hint)! Here's how to make a direct request: “Honey, I would like to take a walk with you this afternoon. Would you be willing to do that with me between one and two?”

Before you men start yelling, “Preach it, Chip,” let me say that the same goes for you! If you're in the mood for love, don't tell you wife she smells good or looks nice in that dress. You haven't made a direct request. Instead, you may try something like this: “You look very attractive and I don't know what you have planned for this evening, but I would really enjoy getting together with you tonight…” You get the picture.

STEP 2 - DEAL WITH ANGER

“Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians 4:26)

The principle is, deal with anger appropriately. Be angry, but don't sin. Philip says, “If you are angry, be sure that it's not out of wounded pride or a bad temper. Never go to bed angry. Don't give the devil that sort of a foot hold.” See, most of us have learned not to deal with our anger. We stuff it, we leak it, and it oozes out and sabotages our relationships.

Anger is one of the most destructive emotions in the world, but God has positive uses for it, at times. The command is to be angry, but not let the sun go down on it-don't let it turn to bitterness and sin; deal with it in a way that doesn't harm your mate or your relationship.

At one time in our marriage, Theresa was upset because I was often late for dinner. Under control, she said, “Honey, I feel very hurt and angry when I spend hours preparing a meal to communicate how much I love you, and you repeatedly come home late and miss it, you're communicating to me that you must not love me.” I got the message and changed.

STEP 3 - BE DILIGENT

“Let him who steals steal no longer; but rather let him labor, performing with his own hands what is good, in order that he may have something to share with him who has need.” (Ephesians 4:28)

Be willing to work hard on your relationships. That's what Theresa and I have decided. We try to schedule things on our calendar that will enrich our marriage. For instance, we try to block off at least fifteen minutes a day to simply connect, catch up, and talk. We also try to get out on a date once a week. And, I believe it's important for you and your spouse to get away on an overnight trip two or three times a year.

It's tempting to steal from the time that our marriages deserve, even pouring it into our kids, our work, our hobbies, our homes, and such. But God says, “Don't do that.” Work hard on your relationships. Be diligent. Don't take shortcuts, because there's no product without the process.

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