Dear Dr. David:
My husband and I have been married for fifteen years. They have not all been good. He had an affair and we were separated for two years. We are now back together but it doesn’t seem like he really loves me. He is back physically, but emotionally he seems like he is a million miles away. To make matters worse, he was physically abusive again with me recently. This is my second marriage and my first husband abused me as well. What am I doing wrong? I am not sure what to do. Please help. ~ Trisha
Dear Trisha:
There are several issues to consider from your letter. First, you point out that your husband is back in the marriage, but is emotionally unavailable. This suggests a lack of real commitment on his part, and may suggest even deeper problems. Did you two receive counseling before he came back home? That certainly could have been helpful. He needs to be confronted with his lack of emotional involvement; a marriage without emotional intimacy is no marriage at all. Of course it will be important to approach him in a firm, but loving manner. Let him know that you care about him and want a more loving relationship.
Second, I am alarmed to hear about his violence -- again. Even the smallest amount of violence, physical or emotional, is devastating to a marriage. The scriptures say, "'I hate divorce,'" says the Lord God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,’ says the Lord God Almighty." (Malachi 2: 16) God hates violence in marriage because He knows the devastation that happens in homes where there is abuse of any kind. You must have a zero tolerance policy toward violence — no violence can be tolerated in any relationship.
Holding your husband accountable for his actions may present some difficulties. He may not be self-motivated to obtain the professional help he needs. However, you must understand that he cannot change patterns of violence on his own. He must receive professional help for his violence if he wants to remain in the marriage and maintain its sanctity.
Finally, you ask what you are doing wrong. This is a good question for all of us. You need to review your life, look for patterns of behavior and then seek help to change them. If you have a pattern of picking abusive men, seek counseling to discover why you seek and settle for these kind of men and learn how to set boundaries so that you demand better for yourself in the future. God says to "love your neighbor as you love yourself," implying the importance of treating yourself as a special child of God. Loving yourself by setting healthy boundaries with your husband is a good place to start.
Dear Dr. David:
