Dear Dr. David:

My husband has been struggling with a cocaine habit for several years. I used to participate in this habit with him, but have since gotten clean and am active in a recovery program. My husband attends church with me even though he still uses substances. He has many excuses and "reasons" for not getting clean, and hates it when I confront him about it. I love him and don’t want to give up on our marriage. But, the lies and chaos from his addiction makes me crazy. What can I do?

--Kelly

Dear Kelly:

You are certainly offering a witness to the power of an addiction—which many continue in spite of its harmful and extremely damaging consequences. An aspect of addiction is the double life the addict lives. They can appear to lead strong Christian lives, on the one hand, and engage in their addictive behavior at the same time. It is usually a chaotic life because of the deception and instability.

You do not mention whether you have sought help from the church. Your silence on the matter suggests you are enabling him by going along with his secretive behavior. This is a mistake and only allows him to continue to lead the double life, and keeps your loving church family from helping. There are many wonderful church-based recovery programs, including Celebrate Recovery, which incorporate powerful biblical principles with other aspects of recovery.

Matthew 18 is clear on mattera such as this. You are to confront your husband quietly and privately unless he will not listen to you. Assuming he refuses to seek help, you would assist him by confronting him with other witnesses. "If he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses." (Matthew 18: 16)

This confrontation, of course, would take a great deal of courage and may disrupt your marriage for a season. It could take the form of an intervention, and done correctly, could be a potent tool to encourage your husband to seek treatment for this gripping problem. We dare not underestimate the power of an addiction, and as we comprehend its power we have compassion for the addict. While he may not be able to truly choose whether to use or not, he can choose to seek treatment. Consider gathering your loving and caring community around both of you to discuss treatment possibilities—and then to build recovery and healing into your lives as well as your family.

Dr. David:

I have been plagued by guilt since having an affair on my wife several years ago. She only found out recently, as did the other woman’s husband, and I believe I owe everyone an apology. I want to make things right for everyone. I have repented and asked my wife’s forgiveness, but feel that I owe the other woman’s husband an apology as well. I have been advised to leave them alone and let them rebuild their lives. I would appreciate your thoughts on the matter.