Some time ago, in my book When Pleasing Others is Hurting You, I wrote about an old-fashioned concept -- chastity, and it is a concept we seem to have lost. Consider how this word and meaning may apply to men today:
Chastity—simplicity of affections, purity of intentions.
Can men "shop" as long as they don’t buy? No, because our affections need to be kept simple—on our wife. Can men look at the merchandise as long as they don’t touch? Of course not. Our intentions are not pure. Our fantasies are not pure.
In fact, I teach men that when meeting others of the opposite sex we send out a signal:
Green Light: Body stance is open, eyes are direct, conversation is engaging. We are available for a relationship.
Yellow Light: Caution—however, let’s talk, flirt a little, and possibly even move into a closer relationship.
Red Light: Stop! Don’t even think about it. I’m taken and I will guard my boundaries vigorously.
Too many married men think they can flirt with danger, sending out yellow and green lights. They may even think their behavior is innocent when it is anything but that. We’re flirting with danger when we allow ourselves to take a second and third look at a beautiful woman. In the "yellow zone" we allow ourselves to be playful with women, talking flirtatiously. Taking the "look" further into the realm of pornography is particularly damaging to the "looker" and to their mate.
The Apostle James warns us about temptations.
"Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (James 1: 14-15)
Stephen Arteburn, in his book Everyman’s Battle, offers several lines of defense from temptation of the eyes. First, recognize that this attraction threatens everything I hold dear. Again, there is nothing innocent about flirting with danger. It leads to greater temptation and hurts your mate, damaging your marriage. Second, recognize I have no right to this. Other women are off limits. You are taken and belong to someone else. Third, heighten the red alert. See the dangers in this "innocent activity," and treat it like you would treat any dangerous situation.
What does this mean practically? It means that like John, we must learn to bounce our eyes off attractive women. We cannot afford our glances to become stares. We must avoid dangerous, flirtatious situations. Conversations with women can be friendly, but must give the distinct message, "This relationship can go no further, not now, not ever!"
