Jerry was a youth worker in a church who had what he called an “emotional affair” with a co-worker. He and the co-worker had lost their boundaries and they were definitely violating their values. Finally one night he came clean with his wife. He told her everything and told her he needed help. During the crisis, his wife was wonderful. She was understanding, firm, helpful, and supportive. Jerry got the help he needed, and the co-worker ended up changing jobs. Two marriages were saved, and the potential heartbreak for the children and families of both couples was averted.

However, after one of our Ministry and Marriage conferences, Jerry’s wife came to me and told me about her ongoing struggle. She had been through so much, and she had done a great job. She wanted to talk because she still wasn’t connecting with Jerry spiritually. The more we talked, the more I began to see that she had never forgiven Jerry for abandoning her emotionally. Jerry had asked for forgiveness from both God and his wife, and it looked like he had truly repented of his behavior. Although she wanted to forgive him, she was still harboring a lack of mercy. Her resentment was affecting their relationship, especially their spiritual intimacy.

As much as Jerry was in the wrong, it was his wife who would have to deal with her lack of forgiveness in order for their relationship to grow. Most of the time this kind of situation is not a quick fix. It often takes seeking out some counseling from a pastor or Christian therapist to work through all the issues. But it was important to their marriage that Jerry’s wife be willing to do what it took to find forgiveness in her heart. Only then could they hope to flourish in the area of spiritual intimacy.

Lack of Respect

Isn’t it amazing that two fairly normal and actually pretty nice people can get married and treat each other like complete idiots? Someone once said, “If you took all the problems in your neighborhood and threw them out in the street, after sifting through them, you would probably pick up your own problems and take them back home with you.” No one would disagree with the biblical statement “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

Marriage brings out both the best in us ... and the worst. Cathy knows me at my very worst. She has every reason not to respect me and call me a hypocrite. Every married person can say the same about his or her spouse. Perhaps your spouse has some major issues, such as addictions, and it is very difficult to respect their behavior. I am not telling you to look the other way in major issues like that. But in the general areas of human frailty we need to overlook a lot if we want to grow together spiritually. It doesn’t take perfection to achieve spiritual intimacy—it takes transparency and integrity. You can still respect people without approving of their sin. The biblical term grace means unmerited favor. God gives us grace, and we in turn should give it to our spouse.