Cathy felt ashamed and inadequate about her performance as a wife and partner. She found herself constantly worried and anxious, thinking back on her five years of marriage, seeing herself as the person who had "caused" the divorce by failing, by falling short, by being less than perfect as a wife, mother, and household manager. Her sense of shame was partly about the fact of being divorced—yet at a deeper level it was rooted in low self-esteem, a nagging sense of self-doubt, and a lot of blaming herself for circumstances and situations beyond her control.
Six months into a regular weekly counseling regimen, Cathy began seeing things differently—especially herself. She began to accept herself as imperfect, as we all are, and yet realize that the primary responsibility for the end of her marriage had to rest with the person who decided to end it: her ex-husband.
"Gary wouldn’t even consider getting counseling," she remembers. "Probably because he was already deeply into another relationship. I later found out he had been seeing this woman for the last year or so we were married.
"Looking back, I can’t fully understand how I managed to blame myself for the fact that my husband was cheating on me, and that he left me. Now, when I look back, I can see that my sense of failure doesn’t really make sense. But at the time, it was powerful. I had days when I thought I’d never succeed at anything again, and especially not at marriage or being a wife."
Cathy’s counselor helped her to process her feelings, learning to identify attitudes of self-loathing, self-doubt, and self-pity that inhibited healing. Along the way, as issues of personal development or personal growth emerged, these were noted by the counselor as places where she needed to make changes.
"I was blaming myself for too much of the problem," Cathy says today. "And yet at the same time, I didn’t want to look too closely at some areas of my personal life, places where I really did need to change. I don’t know how I did it, but I blamed myself unfairly, and also avoided having to grow up, at the very same time!"
How did Cathy know she was beginning to heal? How did she become aware she was on the pathway toward recovery and balance?
"I relaxed," she says simply. "In the weeks and months after my divorce, I was constantly tense. I became hypercritical of myself and also of my children. I would clench my teeth a lot, without knowing I was doing it. I had backaches, headaches, all kinds of symptoms—and didn’t even realize that a lot of these things were due to the tension I was feeling. But after meeting with Carolyn [her counselor] for several months, I noticed I felt a lot more relaxed. I was sleeping better. I was nicer to my kids."
Could Cathy have achieved these same results on her own?
