So anyway, this Chinese dude, who runs a gang called “The Hand,” (yeah, I know, cracked me up, too – like, ‘Talk to the hand, man!’) sends over some new assassins. They’ve got supernatural powers, too. And stupid names – like Stone and Tatoo and Typhoid. Stone (Bob Sapp), he’s like an imitation of The Rock. He just beats people up. Typhoid (Natassia Malte), she breathes on people and makes ‘em die. Oh, and she gives Garner this mega-lesbian kiss. And Tatoo (Chris Ackerman), he has all these tats, and they like come to life. I mean, like, his eagle tat jumps out of his chest and goes flying around, and Tat can see through his eyes. Then a bear comes out of his stomach. And later, like these millions of snakes come out of him. It’s like so demonic, I’m telling you. With all sorts of Ninja mumbo-jumbo about evil and good. Wicked!

So anyway, Elektra keeps having these, like, acid flashbacks to her childhood, where her mom was killed and all. But for some reason, she doesn’t have any flashbacks to the scenes in “Daredevil,” where she like, fell in love with Affleck and watched her dad die. I guess director Rob Bowman (“The X-Files”) forgot to add that. Oh, and the guy that killed her mom in the first movie, the Kingpen, he like totally didn’t do it, after all. Only they don’t explain that, so I was a little confused. Turns out it’s the Hand dude that did it, not Kingpen, and Elektra’s mad about that. But, for some reason, she isn’t mad about the Hand – or was it the Kingpen? They keep changing on me here – killing her dad. Or herself, either, for that matter. ‘Cause she died. Remember?

But, whatever! As long as I get to watch that girl fight in her skimpy red suit, I’m cool. I don’t think she’s actually a black belt in real life – the fight scenes are like, totally flash-edited to make ‘em look real. And the scenery isn’t exactly original. They go to this camp in the woods that I guess is supposed to be cool and different, but isn’t. And there’s like no, what’s the word – coherence? – to Elektra’s character, who’s never friendly to anyone, but then really nice to the teenage girl, who’s a total pain and who even broke in and stole the necklace Elektra’s mother left her (only it’s a different necklace – I wonder if Bowman couldn’t find the first one?).

So, anyway. It’s not, like, the greatest of films. I mean, it’s probably not even as good as “Daredevil,” which everybody said was, like, a total embarrassment. But what do I care? I got to watch Jennifer Garner for 97 minutes, and that’s all that matters to me. So as far as I’m concerned, this film is the bomb.

AUDIENCE:  (Immature) Adults only.

OBJECTIONABLE CONTENT:

• Drugs/Alcohol Content:   Several characters drink wine/alcohol.
• Language/Profanity:    A dozen or so profanities and obscenities.
• Sexual Content/Nudity:    Two women engage in lengthy kiss; female character wears provocative costumes and cleavage throughout film and, in one scene, bra and panties; character refers to “getting laid;” male and female characters kiss.
• Violence:      Extreme violence with much killing, fighting, martial arts and situations where death is threatened and/or imminent; numerous deaths, many under strange, occult-like circumstances as well as numerous deaths by stabbing (onscreen) and one beheading (offscreen).