Bottom line: Different generation, different personalities, and different backgrounds shape you, your parents, and your in-laws, so Granny may well think you’re doing things wrong because you’re not doing things her way.

Extreme Granny makeover: Next time your mother-in-law sniffs that her little Bobby never ate “that fast-food junk,” try not to get defensive. Hard, I know. Try to use a light touch to disarm her, and show her you understand at least partially where she’s coming from. “I know fast food was probably worse in those days than it is now. These days they have fruit juice, milk, and applesauce on the menu for kids. We usually get the chicken strips and some apple juice when we go through the drive-through, and it’s such a treat for Cate.” Leave it at that, because less is more here. Try to keep in mind that she also didn’t drive much when your husband was small, on account of their having one car. Her lifestyle was completely different than your mobile, out-and-about days with your little ones. She just doesn’t get it.

This one’s a doozy! Granny and Gramps act as if they, not you and your husband, are the parents. They scold your preschooler in front of you; they worry about what he wears, what he watches on television, and what time he goes to bed; and they expect to spend massive amounts of time with their grandchild. Yikes!

In the next section, you’ll read about Lindsay and her “perfect” mother-in-law, who also likes to take over with the grandkids whenever possible. “Now that all her kids are gone and having their own families, she still wants to have that mothering role,” says Lindsay. “She tends to tell us how to parent every chance she gets. You can feel her kick into parent mode as soon as we walk in the door.” Lindsay has hit on a great insight here: Granny yearns to be back in the role that defined her life, so she can’t stop telling her kids how to run their lives. Essentially, she doesn’t show her son and daughter-in-law the respect they deserve.

Two panel moms commented on how their kiddies’ grandparents had a habit of interfering with naps (that alone is grounds for a restraining order!). “I am a scheduler,” says Amy. “What I mean is I have routines for my children. My mother and in-laws go by the demand-care system. They go by what they perceive my children to need. For example, if Ashley doesn’t appear tired, they might not give her a nap. But I rarely let her skip her nap.”

Christy has a similar problem. “Putting the kids down for naps when grandparents are around is always hard because they don’t understand that the kids need the naps; they just want to see their grandchildren.” Subtext: “We know better than you when your child needs a nap.”

One severe case of take-charge granny is Krista’s mother-in-law. “It’s like she thinks I’m a moron or something!” she vented. “Scott’s mom doesn’t seem to recognize boundaries in our home. She’ll drop by unannounced with lunch for her precious grandson—none for me, of course! She’ll even say, ‘Time for your nap, sweets,’ when it’s time for her to leave, although he just got up from a nap when she came.”