Make consequences logical. Connect a privilege loss to the specific disrespectful behavior that caused the problem. For example, if one of your kids colors on the wall with markers, he or she will have to clean the wall and lose coloring privileges for a few days. Adjust the length of the privilege loss depending on the situation, and combine the privilege loss with other negative consequences if necessary. Consider other logical consequences, such as giving your kids an earlier bedtime or having them write sentences (or, for older kids, a short essay) about the disrespectful behavior they had just demonstrated.

Practice positive behavior. Give your kids regular opportunities to practice respectful behavior that you’d like to see them demonstrate more. Identify exactly what you’re looking for. Then, during free time when your kids would otherwise be doing something they choose themselves, have them practice the respectful behaviors five to 10 times in a row. Try to keep the practice time upbeat and enjoyable, and give your kids plenty of encouraging comments.

Respond to negative behavior quickly and consistently. Help your kids learn that disrespectful behavior works out badly, fast, every time. Don’t wait to implement a negative consequence after your kids act disrespectfully, and be sure to do so whenever that happens.

Be careful with spanking. Understand that spanking isn’t a quick fix to the problem of disrespectful behavior, and that it can result in serious negative side effects (including: it can severely damage the parent-child relationship, it can become physically abusive, and it can teach a child that aggression is a valid way to solve problems). Consider spanking only if your kids are between the ages of two and five, and then only in situations where you need to correct behavior that could bring immediate harm to your kids (such as running toward the street) or that was significantly disrespectful (such as refusing to go to time-out). Never spank older kids for any reason; use negative consequences instead. When spanking young kids, do on only on the buttocks, over the clothes, with an open hand, with no more than two or three swats, and never hard enough to leave marks or injure your kids in any way.

Be patient. Don’t rush the work God is doing in your kids’ lives. Ask God to give you the patience you need to work gently with your kids over the time it takes for their new respectful behaviors to take root and grow into habits that will shape their character and bless their future.

Todd Cartmell, Psy.D., is a child psychologist with a practice in Wheaton, Illinois. The author of The Parent Survival Guide and Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry, he is married with two children. Visit his website, www.drtodd.net for parenting tips, workshop information, and more.