I’m not advocating swearing, especially taking the Lord’s name in vain.  But instead of a primary emphasis on rearing children known for not swearing as much as their peers, what about producing children known for their love of justice?  Children who, with this love, are trained in the shrewd ways of creating righteousness and peace?  What about rearing warriors of light, the kind of kids with fortitude and perseverance to withstand the wicked peer pressure that pounds them and others?  Give kids this kind of upbringing, and issues like swearing may well just take care of themselves.  After all, Jesus said it’s what comes out of us that defines us and can defile us; a heart that produces blessedness and light cannot continue to produce profanity and darkness (Mark 7:14-23; Luke 6:44-46).

Here’s another difference I’ve seen as a coach, and it’s heartbreaking.  Religious kids are far more inhibited than their secular peers, and in the wrong way.  They’re less likely to put up a healthy boundary against another kid.  They’re also less likely to defend another person, and most of them have been drilled from toddlerhood that all conflict is wrong.

Conflict-avoidance disguised as “patience” or “gentleness” is a false front; the vice of cowardice is frequently disguised behind a “forbearing spirit” and a false understanding of gentleness.  A gentle person uses the appropriate amount of force and power.  When gentleness needs to take a stance, it does, and it does so with grace.  But gentleness is always truthful, as well; niceness favors pleasantry and manners over truth.  Niceness is the drowning of force (sometimes a good thing), but it can also be the refusal to honor what’s right, the unwillingness to stand tall for any and all reasons.

The understanding that a gentle man still wields force is an eye-opening revelation to many men at my conferences, a revelation that often propels them into more godly living.  Learning to use appropriate force in any given situation takes time and a cultivation of virtue.  Trace the origin of the word virtue and you’ll see that one of its meanings is “force”:  Virtue brings whatever energy and force is needful to a situation.

The belief that nice equals good is among the most amazing deceptions of our time, and it’s resulted in profound spiritual and relational degeneration as we’ve continued to atrophy behind the façade.

Next time we’ll talk about the terrible impact of cowardice and the terrific importance of courage.

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Paul Coughlin is the founder of Coughlin Ministries, which helps people discover the more rugged, protective, substantial and more vibrant side of the Christian faith, enabling people throughout the world to live a more powerful faith and express a more substantial love toward God and others.

He is a member of the Official Speakers Resource List through Focus on the Family, is a regular writer for Focus on the Family, as well as Crosswalk.com. He has been interviewed by Good Morning America, Nightline, Focus on the Family, 700 Club, Today’s Christian Woman, Newsweek and other major media outlets. Paul’s two-part radio interview with Dr. James Dobson was rated among the most popular shows for 2007. He is the best-selling author of numerous books, including No More Christian Nice Guy, No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps, and Married But Not Engaged with his wife Sandy. Paul is the Founder of The Protectors: The Faith-Based Answer to Adolescent Bullying (www.theprotectors.org). 

Visit www.paulcoughlin.net or email paul@christianniceguy.com

To contact Sandy, visit www.reluctantentertainer.com