If the divorce was a mutual decision, then you have some sorting out to do. Why didn’t the first relationship work? Are there new skills to learn? If you left your mate, why? Was it their unhealthy choices—or yours? If your mate left you, you are going through grief just as real as if you lost someone to death—or maybe worse because in divorce, the person chose to leave you. Rejection often feels worse than bereavement.

Any new relationship will have plenty of issues of its own. And there will be issues you can’t help but carry forward such as custody and parenting with your ex. Why compound the problem by carrying unnecessary baggage forward? Many issues can be effectively dealt with in a counseling office or small group setting. An added benefit of counseling and small groups is that your life will be very stressful as you navigate the divorce and the recovery. You will want to talk out these issues (women really want to talk them out), and your friends may get tired of hearing them. Counseling and small group settings are a safe haven for your feelings. The worst thing you can do is put your child in the place of a counselor! Commit early on that you won’t vent your emotions when you’re with your children. As much as possible, try to help your child have a normal, happy childhood. They are grieving too, so they really don’t need adult-level problems added to their already hurting hearts and minds.

Have you and the children settled into a new routine?

Give your kids some time and space to get used to a new routine. Your economic status may have changed. Your living quarters may have been rearranged. Your kids may be getting used to having two rooms, one at mom’s and one at dad’s. Or they might have a room while with one parent and then feel like a camper or overnight guest while with the other.

In addition, divorce takes a lot of time. Whether you sought the divorce or it was thrust upon you, divorce is time consuming and steals time away from your children. Invest in some extra time with them. Get their lives stabilized before you add another relationship to it.

Do you have at least one group of single friends, or are you a part of at least one organization where single parents can socialize as a group?

The longer you were married, the more important this step is. Single dating is stressful. Get used to the dating dynamic by group dating first. Investigate what organizations or groups might be available in your community. Many single parents discover new friendships by joining Parents Without Partners or church single-parent groups. To find some healthy singles, look through the yellow pages for single parenting groups, call your local Christian newspaper or bookstore, or call a local social services organization for referrals.

Have you forgiven your former spouse?

This issue was dealt with in length earlier in the chapter; this is just a reminder that to go forward you have to let go of the hurts of the past.