Anger that Won’t Release

Maybe your teenager’s anger is the type that won’t let up, no matter what you say or do. He wakes up angry, goes to bed angry, and lets everyone know he is angry. If so, I would strongly encourage you to get him into anger counseling. Angry teens release their anger somewhere and cause serious issues for your teen’s future. So get them help in managing it if they are consumed or overwhelmed.

If you have a child who is so out of control that he becomes physical or abusive, then you need outside help, and do it now. If you feel threatened, or your teen is destroying things in your home, I wouldn’t hesitate to get that help from your local police, even if you are embarrassed by having them pull up to your home. Their involvement will protect you and others in your family, and bring a level of seriousness to your discussion. In fact, I’d request the police to send ten cars with lights and sirens blasting as they roar to your home, giving your teen an adequate response to his seriously out of control behavior.

Keep this in mind. If your son or daughter spends one night in juvenile detention as a result, and learns a good lesson from it, it is far better than spending a lifetime in prison. One night locked up is better than being locked out of your home in the future because you fear he or she may bring harm to you, your possessions or your family. The message has got to be, “Don’t get physical. Period!”

Is It Wrong For A Teen to Disagree?

It’s okay to have disagreements with your teen as he matures. Did you think there would never be conflict in your discussions or that your teen’s growing independence wouldn’t cause him to question your values? Could your teen actually think a bit differently about things than you do? You bet he does.

Since it is inevitable that you will argue about some issues, why not use those times as an opportunity to honor your teen’s independent thinking and also allow them time to process your side of the argument.  They’ll never listen to your side unless you honor their need to explain their side.

My point is this: Don’t allow conflicts to create a roadblock to future growth in your relationship. It’s okay to feel anger in discussions at times.  But scripture reminds us to “Be angry, but do not sin.”  So, never allow an argument to get physical, disrespectful, or demeaning (from either of you!).  Know when to take a break, and when to stop until emotions can calm down and the discussion can continue on more respectful terms.  

My goal for every argument with a teen is this:  At the end of the argument, I want there to be an opportunity for us to hug one another, even if I didn’t change my mind at all. That’s the goal. Even if we can’t agree, I still remain in charge, and we can at least agree to disagree because it was all talked out.

The stance that you take in the heat of the battle is a reflection of who you are in real life. How you communicate during conflict teaches something very important to your teen. The messages that you will want to convey include:

• It’s okay to not agree with everyone.
• It’s okay to not follow what everyone else is thinking.
• There are times that we have to stand up and fight.
• We can have conflict, and still remain friends.
• And sometimes…I’ve heard your side of the argument, but for your own good, you simply need to follow the rules.

When Anger Begets Anger