We all make mistakes, partly because going into parenting at first means going in somewhat blind.  Most of us get (or at least feel) sucker-punched now and again.  If you’re like me, prone to self-flagellation or condemnation, I want to encourage you, instead, to begin using that energy toward charting a better course.  When we’re all racing in place on the same Tour de Fear hamster wheel, everybody loses—children and parents.

We’re afraid of falling behind.  We’re worried our kids might not do as well as other kids.  We’re terrified that we’ll fail, and that our children will grow up to be the everlasting proof of our inadequacy.  Letting them learn and decide to make choices and take calculated risks feels wrong, broken somehow.

By living out of our fears, we’ve made parental panic culturally acceptable.  But the apostle John, in proclaiming the truth of Jesus, makes clear that where love reigns, fear is clipped (see I John 4).  Instead of building entire lives and families on a foundation of fear and frenzy, we can choose to equip and empower our sons and daughters for a future of fullness.

An anxious approach to life leads to an anxious life, a life prone to depression, instability, abuse, atrophy, and addiction.  We need to look at the source of our parental anxiety, asking ourselves, which came first: deep-seated anxiety in kids, or overarching anxiety in parents?  We also need to consider how our children can possibly fare well in life on their own if we persist in our unceasing advice, micro-structured decisions, and every-second protection.

Ultimately, kids need to learn how to fly, and we must ask: Just how strong can their wings get when they’re never allowed to use them?

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Paul Coughlin is the author of numerous books, including No More Christian Nice Guy and No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps. He also co-authored a book for married couples with his wife Sandy, titled Married But Not Engaged. His articles appear in Focus on the Family magazine, and he as been interviewed by Dr. James Dobson, FamilyLife Radio, HomeWord, Newsweek, C-SPAN, The New York Times, and the 700 Club among others. Paul is founder of The Protectors, the faith-based answer to adolescent bullying, which provides curriculum for Sunday Schools, private schools, retreats, and individuals that trains people of faith to be sources of light in the theater of bullying. 

 

Visit Paul's websites at: http://www.theprotectors.org, and http://www.paulcoughlin.net

Visit Sandy's website for reluctant entertainers at: http://www.reluctantentertainer.com