Customer:  Can this wool coat be worn in wet weather?

Clerk:  Madam, have you ever seen a sheep carry an umbrella?


"YIPES!"  The mother kangaroo leaped into the air with a cry of pain.

"Joey!" she said... "how many times do I have to tell you not to smoke in bed!"


After robbing a bank, the blonde rushed home and began sawing off the legs to her bed.

Her husband asked her what she was doing.

"I want to lie low for awhile," she replied.


A man buys a grandfather clock from an antique shop. In the street he put it over his shoulder, and as he did so, he knocked over an old lady.

"Idiot!" she yelled. "Why can't you just wear a wristwatch like the rest of us!"


Jerry:  Did you hear about the two prisoners who escaped from prison yesterday--one is seven feet tall and the other is four feet tall.

Larry:  No! I didn't hear about it.

Jerry:  Well, they say the police are looking high and low for them.


Patient:  Doc, I'm so worried. I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.

Doctor:  Stop worrying and pull yourself together!


Paragraph found in a police academy's handbook:

"It takes about 350 bolts to put a car together, but only one nut to scatter it all over the road."


Q.  What does 36 inches make in Glasgow?

A.  One Scotland yard!


A blonde was driving the wrong way down a one-way street and was soon stopped by a policeman.

"Didn't you see the arrows?" he said.

"Arrows?" the blonde replied. "I didn't even see the Indians!"


Q.  What do you call a woman who can't stop buying romance novels?

A.  A heroine addict.

Q.  What would you get if you set fire to a nun?

A.  Holy smoke!