How to Change Your Oil
- Sunday, September 05, 2004
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
4. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
5. Place drain pan under engine.
6. Look for 13mm box end wrench.
7. Give up and use crescent wrench.
8. Unscrew drain plug.
9. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
10. Clean up.
11. Look for oil filter wrench.
12. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.
13. Buddy shows up. Finish oil change tomorrow.
14. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard.
15. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled.
16. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
17. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
18. Remember drain plug . . .
19. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back yard hole.
20. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.
21. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
22. Bang head on bumper in reaction.
23. Begin fit.
24. Throw wrench.
25. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
26. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
27. Lower car from jack stands.
28. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
29. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled.
30. Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change ....
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