Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those absolute hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, madam," came the reply. . . "That one's called a mirror."

Mike:  There's one word that decribes my wife--temperamental.
Greg:  In what way?
Mike:  She fifty percent temper, and fifty percent mental.

The trumpet player had been blasting away all day, when there was a knock on his door.
"I live next door to you," the man explained. "Do you know I work nights?"
"No," said the trumpet player, but if you hum a few bars, I'll get the melody."

Fran:  My sister is black and blue, because she puts on cold cream, face cream, wrinkle cream, vanishing cream, hair cream, and skin cream every night.
Rhoda:  But why does that make her black and blue?
Fran:  She keeps slipping out of bed.

Mrs Jones:  My husband beats me up every morning.
Mrs Smith:  My gosh! How terrible!
Mrs Jones:  Yes, he gets up at seven and I get up at eight.