Change is inevitable -- except from vending machines.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. (A great bit of advice for anyone married)

Time may be a great healer, but it's a losy beautician.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. (A very appropriate thought for .....)

There is always death and taxes; however... death doesn't get worse every year.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

People are violently opposed to fur, but not to leather. Why? 'Cuz it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?